Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Day 367

* while at the coffee shop this rainy afternoon i wondered about the strange balance of the worthlessness and vitality of thoughts. i wrote a short story about them but can't put the whole thing up right now. maybe i'll chop a few bits up and put them down instead because some of the characters might be real people and the i might not be me. inspired maybe by ecclesiastes*

... we live on thoughts. does a life's significance revolves around the thousand inner echoings which, at the end of the day, might whittle down to only a handful of permanence? they come out, in word, into the outer chamber. who hears them? what would it even matter. it wouldn't matter hardly one bit if i told you my thoughts and you told me yours because, really, we're too busy hoping on our own.

.. give me a deal. a start. a bonus. cool points. anything. give me a place to use these free inbreeds in exchange for much return. 'i don't want to be rich,' one such intention stoically states, 'but i would accept pompous wealth only under terms that this very thought, wrought previously in a humbled and meager lifestyle, were to achieve their greatest possible potential and only then gain their reward. yes, then i would accept wealth- but only in order to benefit all those around me." and the thought grows heavier and fatter on the brain.

so it goes. i have thoughts on freedom, but usually these ones are too busy prying the hinges and orifices of mind. they need out. these are the so-called laymen for a greater reality and they need self realization before it's too late. others, like the career thought, is triumphantly scorned. it is dispensability celebrated under a pile of loftier and lighter ideas through hopes of handout or easier way. it holds the same demeanor of wealth's, conveniently hiding an ugly sneer of cowardice until, perchance, realization does precedes initiation, for whenever action might strike the horizon and these morbid thoughts begin to grow excited together- chanting, waiting, hoping. they're suddenly collected for redemption. they're ready to happen. they're ready to feel the self actualization of their unique importance. they are about to get what they think they deserve.

so i ran away from them.

i ran away to try and find for myself what i do or don't deserve because i thought i knew that it was out there. i thought these thoughts were my gift but they were not. i deserve nothing and will get it and now the thoughts of young experience and mere memories tell me that i deserve nothing and that it dangerously can become all that i never worked to get.

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