Monday, September 8, 2008

Day 121

today was weird, in a way. a friend from back home, in rockford, came through washington on his way to where i'd just come from on vancouver island. the most surreal moment in all this happened as i stood in a parking lot and gave eric final directions over the phone to the spot where we were meeting for lunch. soon, i could see the first familiar car that wasn't from here come into the lot and i was genuinely excited as worlds united.

i've been gone from 'home' for four months now, i think, but after this reuniting, i couldn't have been convinced either way that i was away from home or, had i been home, that this encounter and reuniting could have made me feel any different about where i was in life and time. comfortable in my own skin.

every detail of this summer and post summer arrangements and work have been fulfilled in such unique and inspiring ways. everything. the last week of camp, i had trouble sleeping at night because i didn't know where i was going for sure. i didn't know about temp work. i didn't know if i was brave enough to take this risk.

i'm starting to find that money is an issue for everyone. this moreso than the big picture of man and society and culture and obvious knowledge. i mean this in a way that makes me think differently about how criminals become criminals and how some very average people might make a choice in fear or desperation. not just crime, and i'm no where near this place if you're wondering, but since everything seems to so heavily revolve around money, i see these reactions and lives as similar- no matter what place in life they are.

i was stressed about money earlier this week because after camp, they would only give me travel reimbursement since the canadian government hadn't given me a work permit upon entrance and, as i tried to go back and get one, they wouldn't give me one because i was working for a non-salary, religious organization. i told camp to donate what else they wouldn't legally give to me to a specific homeless ministry in vancouver and also to supporting aids children in africa. either way, any donation was well appointed. thank you.

i've met many people living lives where, no matter their socioeconomic status, their lifestyle always seems to fall just short of the amount of money they have or think they need or whatever.

i've stood in the driveway of massive mansions and i've met and eaten with bums on the street this summer. there is more to this life for both people.

i'm finding that one big decision isn't going to make or break me. one big decision probably shouldn't do that, really, except for maybe salvation. steps matter, for sure, and so far each one has seemed to be guided and successful and i'm very grateful for this, and in this stressing to continue without money ruling the relationship of life and living it. simplify. if you don't have enough something, you have too much something else.

six months ago, i created two lists. 'i am' and 'i would' each respectively summed up the evaluations of my current perspective and life and also visualized hopes of what life would be like when it was lived properly. here are a couple examples, and i share these in encouragement to create your own.

'i am'

i am tired
i am happy to be alive
i am clipped-winged
i am not at ease

i am looking to take a risk
i am willing to start over
i am looking for a permanent perspective. vision.
i am scared to death that it all will fall apart for good (and maybe that i would decide that that would be okay)

'i would'

i would take advantage of the knowledge of those around me
invest more in those around me
build a new kind of life
make more music
make more, new friends
i would risk

all this is changing and moving for the better.

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