Saturday, May 9, 2009

Day 363

i'm so west coast right now. sooo west coast. this is supposed to mean that i'm cool.

actually i'm joking. but i'm also a tiny bit serious because all jokes have slivers of truth. here's why this inane narcissism has gained humorous relevance.

i am 'so west coast' right now because i'm at a coffee shop. in portland. with an apple laptop. and coffee. i have a beanie on. and a checkered wrangler shirt. there's a beard and months of uncut hair across my face. my shoes have a hempish appearance. and i rode a bike here.

i am also 'so west coast' right now because, while at this coffee shop, there are at least six text edit files cluttering my screen. here entails the epitome of being 'so west coast' because these files contain the deepest thoughts of lists and goals possibly imaginable by a human's own powers of self awareness. self expression and self awareness is so west coast. have i mentioned that i'm soo west coast right now.

okay, we're both probably sick of trying to make that seem funny. its just that the silly details of these observations had hit me a few seconds ago so i opened a seventh text edit file to jot down the parallels. somebody out there is probably mad right now. i'm sorry. there is an oncoming conclusion for these statements.

early this morning the neighbor across the street was blasting the country station from the open doors his white subcompact. blurry vision made the car look like a stretching, giant insect that was about to fly away. please do. i have no grudges, however, because it's my choice to sleep on the front porch couch each night. i've noticed a few more bums passing on the lower sidewalk during the darkness too. the rattle of their overloaded and tarp-covered shopping cars hardly competes with the punctuating roar of the train, but i still like sleeping out here. a lot. i always wake up refreshed. and today as the eastern sun shot down on my face i had no choice but to acknowledge daylight and, consequently, reeba mcintire and tim mcgraw. did i mention it's hard to oversleep when you sleep outside? and this, being the flawless day it is, was opportune for hopping on a bike to head to palio's coffee shop because, for whatever reasons, i've been totally unable to concentrate or accomplish much around the house. the morning's indescribable unmotivation had, until now, been almost suffocating.

but i came here to work on something that you'll probably remember- i briefly mentioned them a hundred or so days ago. i wanted to take advantage of this morning's unusual combination of angst and freedom by working on the second editions of those 'i am' and 'i would' lists. forget about new years. spring is my time to outline and determine goals. the perspective on the day has changed full swing since coming here and i'm feeling at peace again.

the man who i assume is the owner of the shop just walked by with a tray of fortune cookies. 'wanna find out if you're gonna live or die today?' he offers. 'probably a good thing to know,' i concede. apparently i'll be sweet for a little while longer because '[you] will welcome many people with your smile.' hey okay.

so now that i've got my life mission in my hand and you and i have since forgotten about the ridiculous pretentiousness of the first couple paragraphs, i'm going to give you my list. maybe try it sit down somewhere chill or comfortable and list the events and actions and changes you would appropriate and strive for if you were to have a little more free and content life. goals. i've found that outputting honest philosophies are much more flexible quests because i'm horrible at definitively answering 'future plans' or 'next step' questions.

the rest of the day was filled with worthwhile and fulfilling activities. i feel like i've gone too many words so far and i haven't even posted the list yet. i won't hold it against you to stop here. i've even taken a few of the sections out, as usual, as not to go all bildungsroman on you. and this is just the first draft.

'i would' part ll herein rebirthed may 9th, 2009, over one year after conception.

i would practice more kindness
i would be more generous

i would play music professionally
i would write professionally
i would photograph professionally

i would make my first documentary
i would work hard for some savings
i would start my library
i would start my music room

i would stay sharp
i would keep learning
i would keep teaching myself

i would write a book
i would start a band
i would be involved in ministry
i would work with youth
i would tell my story

i would ask people what they want most in life
i would maybe help them find what that was

i would go running
i would stay healthy
i would take vitamins
i would write one good song per month

i would keep lowering my expectations for the typical life of searching for ultimate comfort and self gratification
i would keep setting standards and goals

i would continually try to redefine my spirituality and refuse the way it had so often manipulated the perspective of my appearance to people rather than the influence it has on life itself through Jesus Christ

i would continue walking barefoot whenever possible
i would ride a bike more
i would not suddenly rely on a cell phone
i would continue meeting people, investing in people, learning from people. loving people.

i would keep these philosophies for life
i would let them grow and expand
i would keep doing this list every spring

i would keep pursuing: faith, love, adventure, inspiration, peace, balance, freedom.
i would keep being free.

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