Friday, February 13, 2009

Day 278

what am i doing here?

i'm usually pretty excited to be at this place and point in life where faith and blessings seem to be exploding in so much of this. i am blessed.

but for the first time in months i find myself facing heavy questions. meaning. purpose.

and i've tried to anticipate what experiences to hold onto and what i think i can build upon but, especially while experiencing this grand unfolding of adventure and inspiration and balance and faith and life, i find myself looking for a balance between yesterday and tomorrow once again. i'd kind of thought i'd gotten past most of that.

some people i know are succeeding. others failing. others trying to succeed. others don't even care. i care. i'm trying and in a lot of ways i'm trying harder than i ever have before. this has got to count for something.

and still, i'm guilty of selfishness. even worse, i'm hungry for security in the parts deeper that the usual pursuit of the simplicity and spirituality and freedom of the life of the past 277.

what am i doing here?

i still don't think that all this has happened by unguided chance. no. am i just getting tired of trusting?

i'm serious. and it bothers me, a little, to hear that people back home don't understand why i'm even out here. aside from being the best days of my life so far, i'm left with a huge inability to summarize the paths and provisions and faith-bound steps that have shown me a profounder and much anticipated enjoyment of life and understanding of spirituality. desire.

and still, i know nothing. i know more and more and more of nothing and receive more and more fragments of everything- as is to be expected, i suppose.

i know nothing about the near future and, after the first day in may, i don't know where all of this leads next. i'm ready. i'm willing. i'm trusting. i'm trying.

that has got to count for something.


Joshua Field said...

i don't know if this makes sense, but i find this post very encouraging. keep trying. it does count for something. after all, all we can do is try, the rest is up to God.

Master Dayton said...


Keep your head up and keep at it. For what it's worth, I've also chosen an "unconventional road" because that seemed to be where God was guiding my life, and I know it can be rough. Even brothers and sisters in faith look at you strangely at some point, and even when things are great, the mind starts wandering. I know I tend to especially get frustrated when things are going well, because I'm so used to conflict. Keep the faith, and thanks for sharing your journey. Enjoy life - that matters more than others think, as hard as it is to keep that perspective.



shellywoman said...

as the hill steepens the growth increases - keep the faith vega - you are not alone