the vagabonded raconteur

photography

2010-07-18T12:53:00.004-07:00

this blog still contains the chronicles of 383 days of an epic adventure which are outlined on the lower right portion.

however here is the photography site for which you may now be looking.

[brother ivy]

2009-09-12T14:07:00.005-07:00

brother ivy from joe lieske on Vimeo.

and pictures too

if you're visiting this site for the first time then please check out the outlined and linked "if you don't want to read them all.." column to the right.

Reprise #1: one month home

2009-06-28T22:45:00.004-07:00

i'm not sure what to title this, but i've been back home for one month now. there might be a group of friends and readers on this blog that still may be interested in this fact. for you, my handful, i fulfill a promise to share what's been happening.

to be honest, the perspective and momentum is being challenged here. often. and not always by others. the trail of adventure and life on the road has changed from its narrow line of motion and has transitioned back to the box of mazes and levels of familiarity of people and home and still not having much money.

i sometimes sense the pressure strongest while trying to draw out the characteristics of the midwest. a few dozen people had surprised me while on the road when they randomly identified my ''midwest accent.'' it must be the oily pronunciation of aaahs, like in the word chicaahgo. for the most part, though, the midwest is conservative (whether they think it or not) and earnestly routinized and is a place where humor seems to be found in over-exaggerations, enthusiastic reactions, and corny jokes (of which i'm now guilty...corn, get it?).

some of the little kids here suddenly look six years older and, strangely, some of the older people look ten years younger. but people grow up wherever they are and through whatever they're doing, whatever that might be. whether we realize it or not, we're forming perspectives that will guide us and will maybe one day surprise us when we compare it to one different than ours. i've found much fascination in the stories of these others through way of these comparisons and it's happening here, too. our collective growths compound with past routine and creates the cycle. the cycle. the cycle.

i've found it useless to avoid the cycle as such. people grow up in whatever way they do and in the way we best know how. but i'm trying hard not to fall back into my old cycle and this is becoming a hard thing to do. here's how i mean this.

the hardest part in returning is the lack of a short answer for the three hundred, eighty-three days of past friends, faith, and adventure. my mind jars and scrambles for balance in the random appearances and interactions with the questions of old friends who continue to happen back into this new life. i mean, it's been a year; i'm obviously older than the past year. but i'm no longer the traveling, curious guest with stories and a backpack and temporal sense of time and place. here people ask what i've been up to and most every conversation seems to focus in on the most significant responsibilities i now carry or plan to achieve (which are not many at this point, sorry). every once in a while the questions are bypassed by reminders for a shave and a haircut or another crack at the geico caveman comparison. i still have my own razors, thanks. nonetheless.

i very much had (and still do have) a vision in returning for sharing the life and faith and community of the life away. i remember our house in fernie and then the boys place in portland. i wondered if rockford could use a house of twenty-something guys who were all trying to do the right thing together. i'd like to try to start something like that and, even though i'm technically in debt, i've seen more happen to me with the meager beginnings of four hundred dollars on day one that i'm not really inclined to be hasty against either reality. there have already been some small ways that this has already been taking place, albeit in a way i never thought would have connected.

one of my friends claire is involved in the lives of kids whom she lovingly calls ''her ghetto babies'' and they've grown so attached that she has decided to forgo a year long mission to africa in order to, in part, continue growing and ministering with these kids here in their projects. she asked eric and i to do music for their camp on thursday night and we did. the little girl's black voices squealed and chimed and the boys looked skeptically at the cajon drum box i was playing. but we sang and towards the end some of the guys took a quick lesson on the cajon and afterwards asked if i wanted to play basketball with them. i barely pulled off a dunk to satisfy their wonderings if ''whole wheat can boom.'' they shouted out the names of different nba players (they didn't know who luke longley was....hah) as they sat back and looped baggy jump shots towards the rusty backboard. we shot around and played until it was too dark for me to see the ball or, for that matter, to be able to tell them apart during their speedy dribbles and drives.

i'm not entirely sure what the rest of those boys' life is like- their cycle and perspective. i heard back from claire that the kids really liked us and i hardly feel like i did anything. josh, another friend who's been involved with the same kids, and i were talking before a classic reunion game of capture the flag (of which some people still cheat and it drives me nuts) on friday night and josh shared his surprise on how easy it is to get involved and be a positive role model with claire's ghetto kids. i'm not even sure how claire got involved with these kids and families, but the distance she has come with them is huge. josh's mom had given the devotional before the playing of music on thursday and i deeply respected her fraying of usual proper mannerisms so that she could reach the kid's rougher attentions. it wasn't hard to tell by their quiet, long stares and little steps of coming out of themselves that they have a desire for respect and relationship that probably even they don't quite understand. here are kids growing up in ways they best know how and who seem willing to find a perspective that might begin a different, better cycle in the way they feel about themselves and God and for the way they treat each other and live their lives.

now tonight is sunday. eric and i played some music at church this morning. yesterday i met a photographer who was shooting the wedding i was playing and he shares some ideas for rockford. i left the college group bonfire tonight and realized i've driven just over one thousand miles since being back. that's too much, man. what have i been doing with one thousand miles? and here i am back home for who knows how long or for what specific purpose, but i wonder what i've done with these days as well. even heavier i admit to myself that, for whatever reasons, it seems harder to live the right life of faith in action. but how worthless would it be to sit around and wonder what could be diminishing when i'm finding ways to be a part of things that are going right.

trust and acknowledge and solvitur ambulando.

Day 394: amen

2009-06-09T23:25:00.013-07:00

there's an old brewhouse of brick and tall windows downtown by the river. wallblank.com operates from here and i was there tonight again with my friend shawn, the site's owner and curator. turns out the building itself is bigger than i ever imagined and is filled with awesome creative spaces and vintage signs and mechanisms and one dusty old piano. i'm hoping to go back within a day or two to do some major photography work.

speaking of which, some of my photography was featured by a seattle band. check out garage voice's site here.

and i might have found a happy balance for employment and purpose. looks like i'll be starting a new position at my old sporting goods store in town to become a bike and snowboard technician. coming back to this place hasn't been as bad as i had feared it could have been. not bad at all, actually.

thanks so much for being a big part of everything that's happened on vancouver island, vancouver, seattle, fernie, montana, maple ridge, portland, and the ten thousand miles of road in between these places.

this is the end of the daily text version of the vagabonded raconteur. for now, at least. i promise nothing is going to change in real life. who knows, there may even be some short-term adventuring on the horizon already. but as for day-to-day, well, i've got to haul in the reigns of blogging so that i can refocus and concentrate on a few other aspects of development.

there's a column down a bit on the right side of the page that highlights certain portions of all this. i'll clean it up and make it a little more complete for you to review if you feel at a loss tomorrow morning. i'm probably going to feel at a loss tomorrow at midnight when, for the first time in three hundred ninety-four nights, i will not post.

here are two of my favorites right off the bat:

day 365: one year

day 238: thanks

and i've been gifted a flickr pro account, so i'll definitely be using that more often. you can see that grow here.

finally here are my goals, for i have long forsaken the pressures of plans and twisting of time:

- continue learning, using, and networking music, photography, writing, and video.
- become a certified bicycle and snowboard technician.
- work.
- keep the perspective and momentum that has resulted through all this.
- be ready for anything to happen next.
- always, always, always continue to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understandings. acknowledge Him in everything and allow these paths to continue to be directed.

thank you family, thank you friends, and thank you God for the opportunity, adventure, and life that has now become ALL THIS.

Day 393: the appendixes

2009-06-08T23:10:00.007-07:00

i could be on the road right now. today felt like a day in a fernie or portland coffee shop- the flow and the timing and momentum are alive in this place.

yesterday was filled with questions of plans and next steps. i never know how to answer these questions anymore and i'm happy to tell people that i'm waiting to see how things move from here. it's what i'm used to. faith and trust.

today things moved.

i stopped in at the sporting goods store that i used to work at and visited my friend and manager. i was also looking for employment, but we didn't get to discussing that for a while. a re-interview is scheduled for tomorrow.

on the way out i ran into the girl who i'd started shooting weddings with last year. apparently there's some this summer and we're going to get in touch.

i dropped a black garbage bag of clothes at plato's closet consignment shop in the spirit of simplification and the thrifty pursuit of some cash. starbucks is right across the parking lot and i headed over to kill some time and read. there i recognized a prolific rockford area video producer. after some discussion and common acquaintance acknowledgements we traded contact info and reminisced free juno email and classic dial up service. good vibe.

moments later the bearded guy behind me spoke up over his laptop to ask about my book (the one mentioned yesterday). we started talking about writing and travels and, in the end, exchanged info and he offered a gig to write a hitch hiking article for his online magazine of which i'd read before. when i finally pushed my chair against the table during final goodbyes he said he was glad to have met someone like me in rockford. man, you too. you too.

photography. video. writing potentials. boom, boom, boom.

to be honest i was a little worried that coming home would result in a fading of the pursuit of these honest interests to the necessity of practical means and jobs and routines. also until today i felt that time was ticking here. now, i'm not so sure.

more acknowledging and more steps are happening in this place.

Day 392: the appendixes

2009-06-07T20:46:00.009-07:00

hey, if you're checking this blog out today for the first time there's a little bar of titled links down on the right a bit. it may help.

i'm not sure why but i'm having trouble concentrating on writing from my house. i stopped by borders this afternoon to use a coupon on a book and grab a coffee and had written a post for tonight in my mind while driving to the barn for college group. now, though, i can't remember much. i really need a tiny tape recorder. i'm looking for one tomorrow after disappearing to read.

today was sweet and i'm now starting to have to pay attention to whom will become the focused audience of these posts. i want to keep it public and understandable for the world. that might get harder as 'home' places and people start to grow back into what had been all this, but this is a valuable and sweet continuation, so let it be.

but after sharing parts of this adventure's story and spiritual lessons in an adult sunday school class this morning and at our college group meeting tonight at the old barn i'm finding much contentment and peace in the wrapping up the lessons and provisions of every day that trails this post.

acknowledging and having paths directed is continuing here in this place.

Day 391: the appendixes

2009-06-06T21:42:00.004-07:00

peel clothes from sweat adhesive. shower. apply denim and flannel. insert coffee. let sit for two hours minimum. ding.

this is the solution after a good ten hours of work and out-and-aboutness. look at that, busyness already. what is happening to me?

also, i have a confession.

i'm at a starbucks. i come forward to say this only because all other chains and northern illinois 'coffee places' (all three of them) are closed or are otherwise preparing for a night of flipping big macs or where waitresses are strapping on aprons and clearing throats for calling you 'honey' as they serve up country fried steak platters.

so i'm at a table and can't remember what motif this particular shop is arranged after. starbucked explains it all. but two families at the counter have just vaguely recognized each other as neighbors or past neighbors or friends of past neighbors. they don't seem too sure and this provides enough humor to externally bypass the awkwardness. besides, everyone in each family has a white cup in their hands. cool points go all around. they now part, each clan reciprocating that 'it was good seeing each again' even though fifteen seconds ago they were grinning under desperate glances. they're gone now.

another interesting conversation is floating over. two guys are determined to figure out life- tonight, if possible. the one with dark hair in an american eagle polo is doing the talking. he wants a motorcycle. doesn't care if it won't go over 55 mph. but he's also thinking about nursing school and more college. maybe in arizona. or going to disney land? he says he doesn't like the big city but would live in one so that he could drive away from it.

have you heard the stereotype for a midwesterner? i've been noticing basic over-reactions and an overall uptightness a little bit lately. nothing bad. sure you get every kind of person everywhere but i can see the truth to these sociological patterns of geography. am-i-talkingtoofast,too?

i found a sweet latin phrase online tonight.

solvitur ambulando. 'it is solved by walking' "suggests that some problems are [made clear] only as one goes forward in practical action."

ambulando on, man.

Day 390: the appendixes

2009-06-05T19:46:00.003-07:00

here we are.

if you've been able to keep a track of the vagabond momentum then remember that today has been one week back in this place.

and i'm really not too convinced about the significance for marks of time like 'one year' or 'one week.' here or there. they happen and are observed but i'm not sure that anything exceptional has happened on these benchmark timetables.

this may as well be my third week back. then again, it feels like i may have never left. but i've found that i've stopped looking for the mountains and i don't try to plan a weekend around a hitch hike adventure to the beach. this means that i'm getting back into the midwest mindset. hm.

i've got to admit that i thought i was still keeping this up this blog because of the messages and inquiries about the future status of the vagabonded raconteur. and i am. but it's also kind of hard to stop. especially when everything that is 'home' is being seen in a new light.

i was thinking today how constantly having a camera whilst moving from place to place has the foundation and continual redefining of photographic perspective in a way i never could have otherwise understood. same for certain books and reading. music too.

but i'm working on revitalizing my flickr account. maybe check it out. work in progress.

Day 389: the appendixes

2009-06-04T23:11:00.003-07:00

i'm trying to get in shape physically and photographically.

my flickr should be revitalized, cleaned up, and updated within a few days and i'm gonna keep going to the ymca. i'll keep you posted.

until then.

click

Day 388: the appendixes

2009-06-03T21:28:00.005-07:00

i'm in the cafe at borders and there are two young business kids behind me. the girl, twenty-four maybe, works corporate sponsorship deals for mlb stadiums. the baby face, gel jet-black-bang boy is maybe early twenties in his suit and works with his uncle as a broker and, he's ready to add, investment and now insurance consultant. he says that he doesn't read books nor drink coffee. he likes water and baseball instead. they're talking about business and flying around the country and connecting flights and hotels and not getting much a chance for going out- an event that happens maybe once a month. they sound awfully important to each other.

this might be a perfect first date with no signs of nervousness. they are introducing themselves as if it were a blind date. there are no usual insecurities, however. no false starts and no stammers. these kids are conference-call toned with self affirmations of purpose and potential.

and after forty minutes they split, passing- it seems to me- like two yachts in the night.

i keep reading and am left without a clue for what has just happened behind my shoulders and under my ears.

and this is much later at wall blank headquarters. a chill environment to be certain.

Day 387: the appendixes

2009-06-02T20:07:00.002-07:00

i miss outside. and not just the car-to-building-and-back walk or the here-to-there drive with the windows down. i miss sleeping and chilling and strumming and reading outside and riding bikes to get places (outside) where you might decide that the day is worth spending. outside.

but this is no lament. life's just different here.

i don't trust drivers on the road. and maybe i do like to use one sentence thoughts and answers. and in the light of this nuance of different geographical perspectives i'm still trying to retain goals instead of making plans. i'd rather earn friendships and responsibilities and daily means instead of immediately working for a busy paycheck. that's hard to explain sometimes.

i'm taking a step back, here, for a bigger perspective. an arial. in doing so i find some excitement and contentment on what is and could be happening around here. there's so much potential for peer development, art growth, musical cohesion, and revitalized community.

i haven't said much yet. maybe a sentence or two. but i'm paying attention to what's happening here and comparing it to what had been known as all this just four days ago.

maybe soon we should speak.

Day 386: the appendixes

2009-06-01T18:48:00.003-07:00

there's all this land here in the midwest and it gives us space for our favorite things like growing corn and baseball and the building of many buildings and sandlots so that they will come. it also gives me the feeling of security for the holding of my junk and, although i'm sure there are pack rats and stuff collectors everywhere, i think that the absence of mountains and oceans do not help in reminding me that there's more to life than pockets and drawers and where there is to drive to and from. i've got my stuff on my mind and my mind on my stuff and there's too much of it. way too much.

and it hits me now that i'm back in my most established bedroom and am opening closets and shelves and boxes and finding that i have as much clothes as we combined seven travelers did during our five winter months in fernie. this is way too much.

it's disgusting, too, to fish through so many t shirts and sweaters and things that i've never worn. the combined 'high school sports' and 'missions trips' t-shirt piles already outweigh the amount of shirts i had on the road. over the past couple days i've noticed that i'm still wearing what i had with me over the past year from my backpack or rolling duffle. really, i want to keep it that way.

my goal is to eliminate eighty percent over the next couple weeks. let's have a garage sale.

Day 385: the appendixes

2009-05-31T20:54:00.013-07:00

elton john's song 'rocket man' has been stuck in my head all day and i haven't yet determined what exactly i want to make of life back here.

i drove with this tune to church this morning excited about seeing so many long lost faces again. it turns out that i was the long lost face and some even claimed to have not recognized me at first. almost everyone offered hooking me up with a razor to which i politely affirmed that i already have one. i have a few, actually. dusty, and probably rusted by now too.

i'm definitely looking forward to start meeting with friends for dinners and coffee and lunches. let's do it soon, i'm currently unemployed!

most everything in the city seems physically normal except for maybe a new walgreens or some flashy corner market. but there's a new energy in seeing and relating with people. this morning was a blast. then there was an afternoon of badminton and chilling with friends and then a solo drive along a massive, midwest sunset. however it's impossible to forget about the sun's final resting spot at the edge of america.

i hadn't driven since my license expired in late february and now i was on the highway for the first time since and controlling my own momentum underfoot. i went through my old neighborhood and past the lawns of my old customers and past the high school and college. everything looks the same and still everything is different to me. the little camera in my mind is taking pictures all around town. fresh eyes.

by the way, i've got just over one month to get into shape for a pitching tryout with the mlb. i'm going hair and all- despite all heavily assumed standards.

here we are

devil's lake fall 2006?

devil's lake fall 2007?

and rock cut state park yesterday

Day 384: the appendixes

2009-05-30T21:34:00.007-07:00

maybe doing something for three hundred eight-three days is a hard thing to stop on the dime no matter what the day or occasion. especially when i feel that nothing has really ended. i also appreciate the messages asking about the future of the blog. i leave that up to you under two conditions: there must be something relevant to be said about the transition to familiar life here and there's gotta be someone who wants to read them.

i am home though. and tomorrow i'll go to my home church and see a bunch of people who i've missed and who maybe have missed me. i'm kind of excited and am hoping that it'll be worth recounting.

today after the montana friends had left for their chicago wedding i met up with two of my best friends here in rockford and we went on a bike ride through the state park. i miss biking and it reminded me of portland. now a few of us have cooked out and shawn's front porch reminds me of portland. the big dipper does too, although i've watched the stars many times recently from various shores and mountains and cities and rooftops.

but enough about places. the only place i am for now is home. and i'm starting to see that, not surprisingly, not much has changed but most of all i'm starting to feel that there's never going to be short-answer justice done for the questions on what has happened. but that's okay, i guess, because i figured that this would be the case a while ago.

but anyways, i'll be seeing more rockford people soon. tomorrow. and this week. and for the rest of you all over the world, well, keep a weathered eye on the horizon.

Day 383

2009-05-29T19:08:00.008-07:00

i'm at my kitchen table in the quiet hours that around here are usually always well before midnight. my laptop is sitting next to the well-traveled 'through painted deserts' (for those semi-forsaken but never forgotten nostalgic reasons of preconceived notion) and under both of these is an opened road map showing the coast-to-coast interstates of america. you know this map. it's the oft mentioned atlas purchased well over a year ago while i was holding dreams and desire for the pacific northwest.

we descended the illinois border a few minutes before five o'clock this morning. the hazy mist of fresh light and damp corn fields started giving way to familiar sights. "trippy.. trippy. man" were about the only words i whispered to myself as forgotten landmarks and signs started to label home. maybe the four hours of sleep during the previous twenty-two straight had something to do with a lack of words as well.

now i stared dumbfounded at the house- my house, beige and two stories and with a new car in the driveway that i didn't even recognize. but i knew my jeep. i shook her dew by the luggage racks and said hello. i went inside alone. my parents came downstairs. i kid and ask my mom if i can live here for a little while longer. everything inside looks normal and yet everything seems to deserve a glance of greeting. this is happening... i'm really back after all that happened... hey, look, a coherent dish and silverware collection (no more eclectic thrift store combos) and exceptionally soft carpet (no more gnarly winter carpet or squeaky wood floors). wow, i really like my house. hey, my guitar. breakfast. etc.

my mom cooks breakfast for all of us and we sit around the table introducing and eating and telling road trip stories.

here two worlds have connected between two years and points of two thousand miles. but in the veins my one being i find incredible satisfaction and BALANCE in this manner of return. to me- because these infamous (if you've read this blog every day) montana friends are here in my house- there is no end.

tonight two of those three original montana girls are staying over along with the two other friends who had caravaned to rockford. after breakfast they had driven to pick up another from the airport and to spend the afternoon checking out chicago. i went to my seventeen year old brother's regional pitching start. he dominated while being watched by scouts and colleges and reporters alike.

much later, after dinner and cake and hanging out with these relocated friends and rediscovered family, there is a jam session with all of us in the front room. my family acknowledges this return of music. is this really happening?

tomorrow they will head back to the big city and their wedding destination and then will hit the road west. tomorrow i will stay home and meet my local friends. but tonight, right now in this last minute midnight, i have with me some of the very friends of the memories and excitement and adventures that has become all this. they're here in the house i once left for a place where no one knew my name and i'm sitting in the kitchen where i'd once stood and held my arms out in frustration and excitement to try to explain that i was headed to vancouver island to do video work at a camp for the summer and that i felt there might be more to follow.

this doesn't feel like an end at all. to be honest,

i don't think there is ever going to be an end

to the kind of life

for what has become

all

this

Day 382

2009-05-28T22:11:00.003-07:00

a faint, pastel sunrise begins to glow after a couple hours of driving through the staggering murky peaks of glacier national park. soon horses and cows dot alternating green and yellow pastures that plane and roll endlessly in all directions under the creeping orange of daylight. small, crusty towns like browning, montana, punctuate these long stretches of highway with clusters of mobile homes and old pickup trucks and maybe a wooden saloon and the red neon lights of motel or two. this is the WILD WEST- the space, the sky, the sunrise, and the mountains.

by the time we get lunch in the badlands we have been on the road for nine hours. these sluggish tourist traps that hang amidst snarling cliffs will also soon fade harmlessly past our windows. we're cruising up to fargo, north dakota, and might need to get more gas and coffee. soon the air smells like mowed grass and blossoming trees and asphalt at minnesota's first rest stop and i find that i miss the salty air of that last night in seattle and even the mild portland breeze. a grey glaze of midwest clouds accompanies another time change. we're picking up someone else in minneapolis and four-strong (melody, her friend adam, and another yet-to-be-introduced friend are heading to chicago for a wedding) we will charge into another midnight and across another highway and county and community of star-sleeping america.

this is almost it. a long time ago i'd taken certain songs and books maybe too seriously and had badly wanted to go somewhere where no one knew my name. now here has been lived the long-dreamed opportunities for the life always wanted and which has since unfolded in a way i could have never ever, ever, ever imagined, given to me through acknowledgements of faith and risk and relationships and trusting and the taking and directing of these small steps. even right this second there's a passing white billboard with green print that simply says, 'be grateful.' don't worry, sign. i am.

and now as i count miles and subtract hours i also wonder

what is my responsibility in returning from all this?

i prepare to return to illinois with my palms nearly as empty as when i'd left three hundred and eighty-two days ago with no bank account and four hundred dollars cash in pocket. but my heart is full and excited and my head maybe just as inspired and, if nothing else, i feel more alive and content and spiritually aware and rationally relational because of this specific rubbing of time and people and places and through the continual seeking of wisdom and stature with both God and man. i don't think that life is ever going to be the same- but i don't care if it is or isn't or will or won't because, nonetheless, this life has remained life in its daily, unfolding manner and i hope that i've made the most of it. i think i have.

the plan then is this- to pray, to love, and to keep trying to do the right thing and hopefully inspire the next guy to do the same. help me?

thank you for both physically and vicariously staying with me and being a part of this adventure. i mean it. i never expected that a one-way flight to vancouver could turn into so much (i bet that the canadian border patrol wouldn't have ever guessed that either, but we're cool). even on the very first day (with a now infamous slurpee in hand) i could feel reason and purpose for starting to write and observe. now the momentum and people and places has continued to grow and build and connect and it's all coming back home.

what else is there to say.

thank you family. thank you new and old friends. thank you God.

Day 381

2009-05-27T21:07:00.010-07:00

a shower and a decent breakfast are awesome. it's been a while since either and i was almost starting to get tired of smelling like a lumber yard and feeling like survivorman. but there's something to be said about the joy of being unrubbed. i'm clean and calm now in this montana coffee shop but i realize that i felt especially sharp and aware and happy while wearing dust. maybe this is the reason certain smart kids in junior and senior high school never shower. that and the grimy mustache might have been a big part of the reason they seemed so advanced. the metamorphosis is complete. try it.

here it is. the list. this isn't the last post but i've got other things planned for the next few days. over the past few weeks i've started trying to recall the names and events of the ways that God has provided over the past year. it's impossible to draw the line and thank everyone by name and i'll probably be adding more connections but this will at least give you an idea on how things have progressed thus far. thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

:the list:

shawn kelley, rockford illinois; tells me about qwanoes.

maywood missions committee pays transportation costs to vancouver island (and provided return fare which will be used soon).

mom and dad; rockford, illinois, let me go without either of our understanding my ''feeling for something more afterwards.''

dan and sherry bader, surrey, bc; give ride (and lunch) from airport to ferry

qwanoes roommates tyler, matt, brendan.

russ smith; nick and ryan rest of video crew.

shaun, paul, tim became new, good friends at camp.

dave clark and his car

wesley dong, the camp cook who would leave late night packages of food in the fridge marked 'for joe and friends.'

kirk anderson and family. epic breakfast. host shaun, paul, and i for the three days off midsummer vacation.

kent anderson. gives fernie tips. former professor to pastor shawn barden.

parker gohrick. a brother.

ken and gail gohrick. house. work. wisdom. second family.

sarah and chuck are our couchsurfing.com hookup during a weekend in portland.

eric able to bring me my snowboard gear from home on his way through washington to kaleo bible school.

shawn kelley's friend dillon picks me up after initial border rejection, offers place to stay.

kirk anderson. lunch in usa and stay at his house after getting through border.

shawn, danielle, dan, and sherry. night and dinner with them in surrey.

andrew and adam. load car and drive to fernie.

andrew's parent's frequent flyer miles that gave us two free nights at the best western.

fernie fellowship baptist church. pastor shawn barden.

marion offers janitor job during announcements and i get position and paperwork.

jeremy and jesse offer temporary stay until we move into our place.

veronica gives me one-way lift to cranbrook for s.i.n. number.

the first hitchhiking experience of what would become many scores a ride with alex on the way back to fernie.

jeremy, jesse, scott, and jez for sharing their house and helping us get adjusted in town.

housemates and friends tim, tyler, jon, shaun, adam, and paul for their stellar and unique personalities and community.

shauntelle puts fifty dollars in my palm a couple sundays later explaining that her blessing have become mine. so clutch.

randi gives me thirty dollars in grocery cards for my birthday.

tim gives book and twenty bones for bday.

bethany franck and family hosts our house for christmas eve and her father says that 'he would hope someone would do the same for his child if they were away from home for christmas.'

ian becomes friend and was always generous and kind to everyone.

the tea house partnership for weekend music in exchange for free coffee and that day's tips. pays groceries.

scott hooks me up with two days jackhammering work at the resort.

scott helps me get piano gig at 4.5 star resort via hotel owners.

montana girls melanie and melody and jenna are introduced at a birthday party in whitefish.

melanie lends me her keyboard and monitor for the winter.

the montana three show ultimate kindness and generosity every time we came down to visit or snowboard.

bob at the pawn shop sells me accordion for one hundred fifty bones. our band starts soon after because of accordion and mel's piano.

jeremy, ian, dion, and i get weekend gigs where we play shows for ski bums, locals, and friends. church janitor job provides key and access to practice space and gear.

jeni offers me clutch events volunteer job that gives me free ski pass. would have hardly been able to ride if not for this.

tyler lends me one of his extra snowboards for the winter after mine breaks.

keith from guild invites me to writer's workshop.

jerri at mug shots hooks up coffee and chocolate milk at the coffee shop and teaches a unique appreciation of the english accent.

bruce and snowboarders for christ let me sleep in sfc house the last night in town.

crystal gives ride from fernie to kelowna at end of march.

karen's kindness and hospitality will never be forgotten in kelowna.

tyler offers two week stay with him in maple ridge near vancouver.

stu, wendy, and jesse wilson.

stu is super cool.

wendy is super cool.

jesse is super cool ten year old.

video guy ryan from summer and i meet up in vancouver and offers stay at his place.

phil picks tyler and i up once on the island.

eric and his family take my winter gear back home and drop me at ferry in victoria bound for port angeles, washington. leaving canada.

glen and andrea pick up my hitchhiking self and take me as far as poulsbo, washington.

gail gohrick picks me up at a ferry.

ken gives me a few days of work and asks me to speak at youth group. good connections.

parker comes back and we head into seattle.

jeremy lets us crash at his place.

parker, andy, cole, robert, todd, and jason welcome me into their house and i sleep on the front porch couch in portland for the month.

parker hooks me up with bike for pdx transportation.

craig and son spencer give me a hitch from cannon beach to portland and turn out to be christians with much in common.

ken gives parker, me, and robert a couple day's work at his house in washington. and more awesome food.

ian, nate, melody, and jeremy pick me up in seattle for sasquatch music festival at the gorge.

melody and parents provide breakfast and much needed shower.

melody, adam, and amy become the ride to illinois on their way to a wedding in chicago. perfect timing.

Day 380

2009-05-26T17:50:00.008-07:00

the highway opens into short green alfalfa fields and rows of manicured grape vines and brown dusty rows of plowed soil and i start to realize that nothing is really happening now that we've left our camping spot in the dusty grass. this van-hyped road trip is just miles until suddenly the momentum of speed and moving and friends shifts in my mind to thinking that anything can happen and had happened and is happening right now. add some tunes to the understanding that anything else is possible and that you're in a car with friends and books and the road trip vibe is suddenly alive and well.

we are all also amazed and proud of ourselves that none of us smell bad for having not showered in several days. at least we think so. now, after much driving, i have a surprise.

i am back in fernie, bc, canada.

i never expected this, really, and it's kind of trippy to suddenly come back in a brand new season after having closed this chapter in my mind just about two months ago. but ian and nate and melody had left from here for the festival and this is where her car is so we're back to grab the vehicle and head down to montana. nate has also given me one of his recently cut dreads as a remembrance present. i'm going to use it as a bookmark.

fernie is just as beautiful in the late spring as it was in the late fall. i went to the organic market for coffee and to say hey to the owners. classic. and there's someone new living in our house, although i didn't care to go see the flat.

this geographic symmetry is awesome. i never thought i'd be back so soon, albeit for a couple hours. some of us are headed for montana tonight.

Day 379

2009-05-25T17:43:00.008-07:00

over a year ago i had to write a twelve page, final research paper on bigfoot for a college english course. it almost killed me. think about writing four or five pages on proving or disproving sasquatch. now triple that amount. man, it was bad. but my classmates and i had joked about skipping class and flying to washington to find him ourselves and avoiding the drudgery of debunking the mystical creature. ironically, then, i'm now able to say i found sasquatch. in washington. he exists in the form of thousands of people (mostly hippies) camping next to a vineyard and attending a three day music festival at the edge of a massive gorge. the sasquatch music festival.

the third and main stage is backed against a massive valley where a blue river cuts through the gorge. euphoric beauty. the crowd faces the stage in a colosseum-style seating of escalating levels of grass berms elevated by rocky ledges. almost like switchbacks except they're parallel and grassy.

i got the set list from one of my favorite bands blitzen trapper. the fleet foxes were stellar. ben harper was the closing act and played with the passion of a man counting grains of sand whilst sucking an entire lemon. that's the only way i can describe the intenseness. there were so many other good bands and i'm kind of disappointed that i only went to the last day. such a good time.

i've got a surprise for tomorrow.

Day 378

2009-05-24T17:34:00.002-07:00

turns out i didn't have internet for more than just one day. i can explain.

we left parker's house and headed for downtown seattle where melody, ian, nate, and jeremy were going to meet and pick me up on. remember that old dick's burger diner from a month ago? parker, robert, and i headed there, said our goodbyes, and they dropped me off so that they could get back to portland. i waited under the shade of the side of the building with my backpack and rolling bag and with a milkshake until ian's familiar maroon windstar cruised into the parking lot not even an hour later. fernie reunion.

ian's a good dude but this australian did not have my confidence in his driving abilities. at least not when we started off this afternoon. while on a one-way, he decides to pull a u-turn to get back to the flow of traffic, all the while cars are honking and he's getting angry exclaiming that 'there are no one ways' in his hometown in australia.'

the five of us wandered pike place market for a bit and saw a sign for mar's hill church. we went to the downtown campus and sat in the second half of the service (none of us had gone to church in the morning). the church looked like a trendy furniture store or maybe an urban outfitters but i met some cool people who answered my questions about mark driscoll's ministry. as brent and i talked we (once again for me) found similarity in the 'west coast is my mecca' trend. he was from iowa. but we talked about all this and about his journey and the over-clicheness it has become to 'go out to find yourself'. he jokingly asked if i'd found myself on my trip and i laughed, saying that i think i had a long time ago. i don't think i've ever left myself since. all that jazz. he told me about the ministry in seattle- to which some have apparently nicknamed free-attle, since churches in places like denver give homeless bus tickets to seattle. people really do want to seem to appear to be trying to be caring about loving other people and making a difference in the name of Jesus. that is huge in the pac north. no doubt.

still, our crew was a sight to see. ian, in hs faded jeans and crumpled flannel a, had gotten a special 'haircut' that turned out to be a buzz except for three patches at the front, middle, and down the back of his head. they're not connected and definitely not a mohawk because they're not even all going the same direction. he looks crazy. nate cut most of his 4 years of dreads off except for a clump of strands in the back. an ultimate mullet. i just wore a bandana as has become usual and an undershirt-free flannel shirt. i was elated, then, when a passerby on the sidewalk cursed us 'hippies'. yes, we are. but sadly we'd seen this guy in the church service a little bit earlier where we'd all left after a sermon about loving people even if they're different. nice. we were definitely different today. ian looked homeless and crazy and i'm surprised we got served at a nice, waterside restaurant who's happy hour menu was significantly cheap.

we head back to central washington tonight to camp in preparation for tomorrow's full day at the sasquatch music festival at the gorge.

Day 377

2009-05-23T23:21:00.006-07:00

another sunny day and eight-plus hours of work. feels good to be so tired.

steak, hamburgers, hotdogs, bbq chicken. we sat around with this family of whom has really become a strong second or third to me. we were outside for hours, literally, eating and chilling and telling stories well after the big dipper had hung its ladle in a black sky and the frogs where chirping lullabies up and down the lakeshore.

the first edition of these few following lines were once used in a wallblank.com print. that would have been months ago by now but for some reason the words came back to me today. it was something about being cared for more than birds.

not coins or fear or what bothered me before
if i am faithful, i am more.

birds on wire never forgotten
and if my own heart were mine, if i were still rotten

i'd find no peace in what i've dreamed.
but because these birds fly and are always seen, i have life. i can be free.

p.s. i may not have internet tomorrow night. we'll see what happens.

Day 376

2009-05-22T22:04:00.002-07:00

it's a little strange sleeping inside again. there were only five times while in portland that i wasn't either sleeping outside on the front porch couch or beach side during the cannon beach trek. even weirder still is that i've returned for the third time in the past year to 'my room' with the gohricks in washington. i literally keep work shoes here for these moments. so convenient.

we worked over eight hours in the sun wheelbarrowing and pouring concrete, moving mulch, and doing landscaping. we've got one more full day tomorrow and me, parker, and robert are all thankful for the couple days' work provided.

i love how the geographic cycle has been repeated in rhythmic symmetry. i spent almost two months here before going to fernie back in the fall and was here last month before going to portland. now we're back to work and i can feel the tide ebbing out again.

there'll be some surprises over the next few days. paths. people. places.

get ready.

Day 375

2009-05-21T01:34:00.006-07:00

hey thanks for checking out the blog if you're doing it for the first time after we may have met earlier tonight at the show. stay in touch.

i've got to admit that i've flaked on sharing anything real for the past couple days. you might have noticed that. now after today i'm not sure i'll be able to make much sense of some important things but i'm going to try right now.

i'd never expected to feel anything major when the time to leave portland would have come but now that i'm riding north on a dark highway 5 i find that i have something that feels like a small furry creature that's burrowing down at the base of my throat. actually it's not that bad. parker, friend robert, and i are heading to parker's parents to do a couple days' concrete work for his dad.

but portland had long ago been a place in my mind that had seemed attractive because of what i'd read and heard from other people's distant and exciting lives. after settling into town few weeks ago i was confused by the incoherency of identity that i thought i noticed with people. but now that i'm leaving i feel like i've come to understand this collection of 'non-portlanders' in a totally different and foreign and familiar way than i ever had ever imagined a community could function. now i'm suddenly surprised to be pushing out from within a place that had such strange and distant priority to me so long ago. i've really grown to love the guys at the clinton house and the group of friends and the coffee shops and books and church and especially my blue one-speed cruiser bike, adele, with whom i had to break up with this afternoon. i won't go into detail but i can't say that she saw it coming and i thought she seemed particularly blue in her new, dark corner of the basement. i'm reminded of all these things as the green highway signs count down the miles to seattle.

''maybe it's a sign that portland is the place for you,'' parker says and we play bon iver on the cd player and shoot through alternating patches of yellow light and black darkness in the flow of red tail lights.

noah gundersen and a couple other bands were in town and played a gig at our house tonight. we've left right after the bands loaded their gear into their van.

i'll edit this tomorrow. i'm looking forward to processing things during labor work the next couple days.

Day 374

2009-05-20T00:30:00.002-07:00

i'd written a whole different post at palio's this afternoon but got distracted while looking through old files. the following are old thoughts and i like them now more than ever because they've somehow found their way into what has become all this.

friday, april 18, 2008

[to be free]

bring to the shore the power of the ocean to forgive this mind of a selfish life
stand beneath the shadow of a mountain to be made small apart from my spiraling stride

bind these eyes with the silky stillness that only stars of midnight give
shine through the wild with the deepest silence that man himself barely lets live

show me the beauty thats been twisted up in a lie
let unravel her mystery, breathing warmth from the sky
lift up my vision higher than your blind ever see
give me the life, to be free, that few longer believe.

monday, january 14, 2008

[semester 2]

we have options. we have convenience. we have time. we have life.

we have dreams. we have reasons. we have plans. we have plans.

we are unified. we are distinguished. we are separate. we are whole.

we are searching. we are finding. we are surprised. we are surprised.

in the rush of our fleeting youth and amidst the creation and exinction of relationships and the little parts of ourselves we try to hold together, i want more

peace.

balance.

i will learn of and seek this during these days that now lead to warm weather.

Day 373

2009-05-19T23:15:00.003-07:00

i've got some sweet news- there's a new photo on wallblank.com. by the time you read this it will probably have been yesterday's debut but it'll still be up.

here's the print. it's a simple shot and would be almost meaningless if not for the momentum and presence it represents. there's even a few words about it on the wall blank blog. i'm definitely stoked and humbled to be a part of this collaboration with wallblank.com.

so maybe check things out a bit?

Day 372

2009-05-18T22:40:00.002-07:00

there's a pretty big flat roof warehouse right next to the house so last night we had the idea to pull our blankets and sleeping bags and get on over. we slept there, discreetly, under the stars while downtown portland sparkled across the river. euphoric, man.

i saw the north west neighborhood of portland today and ended up at a cool tea place that had a balcony. good times.

on the way to chill solo at powell's bookstore i noticed about three or four different people aimlessly walking and talking at the air. each person paused after making eye contact but would just as quick pull their glazed stares away and continue their stroll and bizarre monologue. funny how you can't wonder why so many people talk to themselves without inevitably catching yourself in stride and asking the air 'why so many people walk and talk to themselves.' whoops.

Day 371

2009-05-17T22:45:00.004-07:00

hey, hopefully everything is caught up and clear for the past couple days. today will be short in order to give some catch-up time if you want it. friday and saturday were pretty sweet days.

we went to church this morning and i went to two services in a row at imago dei in hopes of running into the people who'd given me a hitch yesterday. i saw spencer at the second service and he introduced me to his mom. good to see the people again.

this weekend has been the first real taste of summer thus far. after my solo beach adventures yesterday, parker, housemate robert, and i went to parker's cousin's apartment to grill out and swim in the private apartment complex pool. today was hot and we got full and tan and this sunday turned out to be sweet in many regards. man, it's been so good to become friends with the dudes at this house and the people of the greater community.

but go read yesterday and friday if you haven't already. they're way cooler, even though today was fun and worthwhile.

"i, the brine
you, the sea
us, the ocean;
swallow me."

Day 370

2009-05-16T02:05:00.009-07:00

part ll

sleeping on the front porch at the boys' house in portland has long gotten me used to the five-thirty sunrise. i sleep a while longer among the leaves and branches before packing up from my spot on the beach at eight forty-five after only a few hours of sleep.

after making sure the coast is clear (pun), i pop out of the bush with my pack, grab some coffee at a shop, and head for the rocks. i read ecclesiastes as people walk in pairs, play with their dogs, and ride horses? along the morning water.

an hour later greg at the mariner's market rings up my priced-to-sell bbq chicken wraps and answers my questions about going north to sea side beach. he's my age, i'd guess, and is friendly as he tells me about the bus that runs on the hour from cannon beach. seventy-five cents is a worthy fare for this service. as i wait at the information center with my cheap breakfast i watch as a shiny, blue truck of four old men pull up. one man is driving and the other talks to the driver. two more men sit back on the flat tailgate and hop off at various stops around the small town to install american flags in beams and holders. this seems to be their only job and apparently it takes all four of them for this duty. elsewhere four generations of women walk the sidewalk. shoulder-to-shoulder and in white sweaters they march their blockade and talk about trinkets and shops and about not forgetting the importance of all buying 'cannon beach' hoodies together.

the bus comes fast around the corner and thankfully i get up in time to meet its short stop. i'm the only one boarding apparently (although i'll later see two other people at this same bus stop at sea side- they must have missed this swift opportunity). a skinny older man with a greasy pony tail and thin grey mustache drives the bus and tells me his pacific northwest hitch hiking tales as he drinks from a can of orange soda. he started work this morning at five am and also tells me that he thinks that i'm brave for traveling these parts alone. i ask him what that means. 'cannon and up north in astoria are pretty mellow and safe, but you gotta watch yourself in sea side. the carnies can make it dangerous. watch out for them.' i'm not really interested in asking for the exact physical definition of a 'carnie' because after this statement he begins another anti-climactic hitch hiking story and adds that 'these parts are pretty safe' and then begins to give me a description and the ins-and-outs of sea side. soon he drops me off next to a mcdonalds on the main street.

i don't like sea side. it's a gritty carnival strip of boutiques and shops and a tall line of mid-standard hotels like the shilo inn that block the ocean view from anywhere else besides the sand. there are bumper cars and candy stores and hundreds and hundreds of people streaming down broadway towards the beach. the sun is hot and i only have jeans and a tshirt. i walk away from the crowds along the massive shoreline and stop a ways out at a log to read the book of james. i also walk along the dunes to look for a decent sleeping/hiding place for tonight. there are none here and after four hours of reading and wandering and wading in the water i'm ready to head back to cannon. i catch another seventy-five cent bus.

here's where it starts to get cool.

i'm back at the sleepy monk coffee roasters to read and evaluate the next step. i chat with the baristas who remember me from yesterday and some of the customers join our conversation about places and traveling and youth as they move in and out of the line. the shop clears out and one of the baristas comes to my table and asks if anyone at the shop has told me about the 'special' hiding spot on cannon beach. she says it's a well kept secret and shares with me this place that sounds much better than my bush camp.

i'm not sure what to do at this point. i could go back to portland or i could stay another night. i'm easy. i start to write 'portland?' on a piece of cardboard in preparation for opting to at least attempt a hitch tonight when a light haired man and his son re-enter the coffee shop.

here's where it starts to get cooler.

'hey, we'll give you a ride. we live in vancouver (the northern suburb of portland, not canada).' craig and his son spencer have been surfing today and we hop into their grey nissan xtera. we swing by the pizza shop which, as they tell me, is their weekend surf trip tradition. they buy me a slice and we chill outside and get to know each other. he's a principal at a school for the blind. i tell him a little about my travels and education. all throughout there's a good vibe. a subtle denominator.

as we ride he answers my questions about blind students and tells me facts about student life and the hardships of post-education. most of it is sad stuff- like the seventy percent unemployment rate for the blind. i can tell he really cares about his students and, for that matter, people in general. i mention working at a camp in one of my answers and he mentions youth group. when i mention imago dei church in portland the two of them jump in their front seats. they go there.

so i find myself in a car with two christian people who'd offered me, a stranger, an eighty-plus mile ride from cannon beach to portland. the whole way back is awesome conversation about churches and education and the blind and his family and my travels. flawless. when we get into portland i tell them that i can catch the buses the rest of the way to the south east neighborhood. they maintain that they'll take me all the way- to the doorstep of the house even. i jump out and thank them again and tell them that they've been a clutch part of all this. i finish shaking their hands and craig says to thank his son who'd, when they were outside the coffee shop, had told his dad that he thought they should take me with them. craig had agreed and they came back in to get me right before i'd walked out the other door with my cardboard sign.

this was, hands down, the perfect ending to this little retreat. it makes me smile again to remember and type out this fast little summary. i'm not really going to put too much down about ecclesiastes and james but if you want you can try reading them together sometime. you might not have an ocean to go with it but i find that they're a nice mix nonetheless.

thank you, again, God for all this.

Day 369

2009-05-15T22:09:00.007-07:00

part l

i've done it. i'm at the coast.

sand. birds. wind. sun. rock. cannon beach.

i've exchanged spring air for the may brine and my lungs are full.

andy calls this 'the edge of america.' he's right.

the ocean.

three of us came out for the day. two went back and now i'm here, pack and pad and pen, for a day or two and alone. i'm sitting on a log with my legal pad this very moment. i just told a man from canada that i don't have weed after he'd sat down and made small talk before popping the question. do i look like someone who carries that? actually don't answer that. but i don't and never have.

my first goal is to find a place to sleep. i started talking to shop workers and they've directed me to mike at the surf shop. apparently he's friends with some cops and knows what's up. mike tells me of a safe place away from patrol that's a far walk and i thank him and leave the shop. a man at a coffee shop across the street gives me a few burlap coffee bean sacks on request (for tonight's pillow and also for danielle's business) and tells me that cops patrol the beach with a spotlight from a truck. "maybe twice a night. just don't pop up when you see the lights flashing," he warns before adding a 'good luck.'

you know that patch of tall beach foliage that always seems to border the last steps of the boardwalk and just before the sandy short grass grows? i found a tunnel in it and it leads back. deep. after clearing enough of a patch for my tarp and sleeping bag i pop back out for more writing and the sunset.

goal number two is debrief. not speak. read. listen and write. be quiet. smell the brine. watch birds and people. i make notes on this yellow pad for you. i'm here to reflect and collect the past year. will be home soon. i have much to tell and i'm trying to get it all in order.

the sun is starting to dip behind haystack rock. i walk the sand and take about a hundred sunset pictures. the golden sun and smashing waves and giant rock and flocking birds are a straight scene from 'into the wild.'

i retreat to the hidden patch just after sunset at nine fifteen p.m. and settle down but hear people coming. teenage girls giggle about discovering a tunnel and i quietly joke that i can barely outsmart a thirteen year old girl as i throw leaves over the pack and scurry deeper. i hope no one actually finds me cause this is my only bedding for the night. the waves' roar cover the sound of snapping twigs. no one ever comes in all the way.

full darkness after ten. cold comes creeping up from sand and through the bush. i have my sleeping bag on tarp with a burlap coffee sack as a pillow. i watch mice scurry acrosss the overhanging branches of this hidden catherdral and i weight out the biggest threats to the night: people, dogs, mice, snakes, and moths, but soon decide that the moths are fine. i find much inner peace and contentment as the tarp contours with the dirt and i warm in my sleeping bag and settle into a blue and salty night sleep.

tomorrow i'll wake on the ocean.

Day 368

2009-05-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

today took five minutes.

i'm heading for the beach tomorrow. expect delayed but relevant posts.

Day 367

2009-05-13T23:05:00.002-07:00

* while at the coffee shop this rainy afternoon i wondered about the strange balance of the worthlessness and vitality of thoughts. i wrote a short story about them but can't put the whole thing up right now. maybe i'll chop a few bits up and put them down instead because some of the characters might be real people and the i might not be me. inspired maybe by ecclesiastes*

... we live on thoughts. does a life's significance revolves around the thousand inner echoings which, at the end of the day, might whittle down to only a handful of permanence? they come out, in word, into the outer chamber. who hears them? what would it even matter. it wouldn't matter hardly one bit if i told you my thoughts and you told me yours because, really, we're too busy hoping on our own.

.. give me a deal. a start. a bonus. cool points. anything. give me a place to use these free inbreeds in exchange for much return. 'i don't want to be rich,' one such intention stoically states, 'but i would accept pompous wealth only under terms that this very thought, wrought previously in a humbled and meager lifestyle, were to achieve their greatest possible potential and only then gain their reward. yes, then i would accept wealth- but only in order to benefit all those around me." and the thought grows heavier and fatter on the brain.

so it goes. i have thoughts on freedom, but usually these ones are too busy prying the hinges and orifices of mind. they need out. these are the so-called laymen for a greater reality and they need self realization before it's too late. others, like the career thought, is triumphantly scorned. it is dispensability celebrated under a pile of loftier and lighter ideas through hopes of handout or easier way. it holds the same demeanor of wealth's, conveniently hiding an ugly sneer of cowardice until, perchance, realization does precedes initiation, for whenever action might strike the horizon and these morbid thoughts begin to grow excited together- chanting, waiting, hoping. they're suddenly collected for redemption. they're ready to happen. they're ready to feel the self actualization of their unique importance. they are about to get what they think they deserve.

so i ran away from them.

i ran away to try and find for myself what i do or don't deserve because i thought i knew that it was out there. i thought these thoughts were my gift but they were not. i deserve nothing and will get it and now the thoughts of young experience and mere memories tell me that i deserve nothing and that it dangerously can become all that i never worked to get.

Day 366

2009-05-12T00:19:00.003-07:00

today involved a ton of bike riding and reading on a sunny day. parker and i went for another ride during the magic hour right before sunset to do some filming and photography around downtown.

afterwards we met some friends at mississippi pizza for some live music. don miller sat a couple people to my left and as he scooted out of the booth he turned back to tell my friend sarah to call him later this week. he was once a massive inspiration to me.

sorry i don't have much to say today. yesterday was the big post.

Day 365

2009-05-11T21:15:00.001-07:00

[part l]
undoubtably the greatest of these days have been the narrowest ones- the wildest and most invigorating moments of circumstances uncovered when freedom of choice and vision were no longer valid and when risk and faith and desire consequently began to grow together. these were the days of hitch hiking and unconnected paths and new people and places. these were the eves of night-staring and the sleepless weighing of thoughts and yearnings and praying. it was never easy, yet these paths and people continued to connect in countless ways.

"trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings. in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." proverbs 3:5-6.

i've found that to 'not try too hard' is a very hard thing to do. and by not trying too hard for the strenuous and confining coming-of-age checklist i have found a massive zeal for a life away from what had always seemed normal, required, and sometimes boring.

that sentence could be summed up by this thought, spurred by personal reaction in many vastly contrasting scenarios: complacency is heaviest where comfort is softest. freedom is more than an ill-labeled consumer's asset. money has very little do to with happiness.

had i not left, i might not have ever had a bountiful thanks for past privileges like my jeep (which i love and miss and am also trying sell, make an offer). a cell phone. a job. a family. home. food. thinking back, my biggest 'problems' then would have involved petty materialistic pursuits and the overanalyzing of relationships which could have been better invested and developed on more human and spiritual terms.

however, i am head-over-heals ready to tell of the fruits and ultimate, God-given privileges experienced and received and vicariously shared throughout the past year. i mentioned that i had started side project a week or so ago and i'm continuing to add names and deeds of the hundreds of people who, usually unknowingly, have had a profound impact on my life and this journey. that list will appear in the final post, whenever that is, and you'll probably be involved in some way. thank you for that.

[part ll]
what am i going to do now? i have no idea. if i was even to begin to be honest with this inevitable question, i would at least approach it with the understanding that i've found a strange security in insecurity- a paradoxical relationship that would have never before seemed possible. however, if i were also to be honest, i would look back on these writings and posts with slight embarrassment knowing that not much significance has been produced because, although there is a year's mass and ten thousand miles, i've hardly once written connected and forward sentences on anything greater than my own observations and feelings. just now at palio's coffee shop i read a line in the introduction of judson jerome's book the poet's handbook and have highlighted the following sentences: anything goes. poetry legitimates narcissism in this age of narcissus. one can become absorbed in one's own image and be indifferent to whether or not there is an audience besides oneself. who needs a handbook to learn how to do that?

and yesterday i'd mentioned the conclusion that a person can become anything he wants in their own eyes if not held responsible. this is dangerous.

regardless, i've also come to realize that hardly anybody will really, truly be interested in hearing the story. some will ask about my one or two favorite parts. or the scariest. or the most dangerous, etc. people fall in love with summaries. those questions are natural and perfectly fine. my biggest regret, i'll tell you right now, was getting a haircut and beard trim in february because, if i hadn't, i would have gone an entire year without a razor. that would have been a feat in of itself. only nine more new months to go for that one i guess.

i remember debriefing in malaysia towards the end of summer 2007's australia missions trip and talking with some of my team members about how many of their friends back home will hardly be as interested in everything that had happened in as much that they'll ask a couple questions and maybe, for a couple weeks, be slightly more inclined to casually notice any queues (way too many vowels in that word) and traces of a changed life. and then life will keep changing. for everyone. keep your best couple stories handy but don't hand over a book version of some daily blog or anything. who would want to read that? but now if, after an inevitable return marked for sometime soon, you were to look hard into my eyes and say ''tell me'' (just like that, actually) then i will gladly chill with you (probably at a coffee shop) and unravel the bits and pieces of how my soul and life have been shook and transformed and could tell you much more than what this blog has ever eluded to because, undeniably, there is so much more.

i feel incredibly blessed by and through this experience. i had never imagined this kind of life and adventure was even possible- even when i had finger-traced highway routes from illinois to portland over one year ago or when i'd visited that house of twenty-something (did i just say twenty-something? is that me now?) musician guys in wisconsin. that was long before i knew of vancouver island. or fernie. or, for that matter, before even considering that canada could actually be a sweet place that supported more than deserted tundra and igloos and polar bears. wait, there aren't polar bears in canada? joke. but still.

so what now? should i keep blogging every day for the rest of the adventure? the obvious answer is yes. i think an official habit is formed after something like twenty-seven repetitions and by now i literally, subconsciously and automatically, create daily outlines in my mind for that night's post, even if i can't remember anything when it's crunch time (i also have learned to not trust the 'faulty camera in my mind' and to immediately write down or photograph or record any thought, scene, or tune that calls for remembrance). and there's the pocket notebook of unexpended and unfulfilled ideas and inspirations collected along the way. i don't think i could stop if i tried. it's cool though. a year is a pretty solid number by any means. it's been many moons. if anything, however, i hope that there's been at least one post that you might have read that would have sparked something inside to seek some sort of change and to reevaluate life for a better outcome. i'm so stoked to have this story to tell for the rest of my life and yet, honestly, could accept death today and be completely content with these twenty-one years. that's not to say there isn't a massive life-to-do list open that's ever growing but, overall, i'm pretty content right now. i sleep outside on the front porch couch in portland and stare at the glowing clouds in the midnight blue and try to resonate ever day of peace and gratitude in some sort of prayer of thanks.

this might sound silly but today really does means something to me. i turned twenty-one back in november and that day was automatically supposed to feel cool whether it actually did or it didn't. today is just as important to me because it never had to be and because it could have never been. this day is the first in a lifetime mark for all this. that's what i've been calling it- all this. all this. i see the night starting to surround those floating white blobs. i'm going to go play guitar. thank you God for all this.

Day 364

2009-05-10T00:05:00.004-07:00

although today is day three hundred sixty four, this sunday day does mark the one year anniversary when it comes to aligning the days of the week. incredible, man. who would have thought all this was possible way back on day one.

but here's the second half of the reason i put up that 'so west coast' babble yesterday.

since settling in portland i've been continually finding that most of the people in this young adult crew from imago dei are not portlanders. they've moved here for school or for fun or in pursuit of the kind of community mentioned in a six year old, popular christian book. the hipster culture is alive here as well through these fixie-ridiing, v-neck shirting, yamaka beanie skinnies who play pinball and vinyl records. the art and music scenes as a whole is saturated with creative, eclectic, and interesting people. this part i like.

the neighbors' friend wandered to our front porch yesterday afternoon where i sat with a guitar. she asked if i could play any bonnie riatt and, since i can, she sat down and sang angel of montgomery and i wondered if, in her visiting mind, she considered me one of the boys in the house that are indefinitely known as portlanders. today i wonder if we're all pretty much fake when it comes to fitting the scene here. but everyone probably is. you really can be appear to be anything you want and that is a very dangerous thing because the amount of people who are able and knowledgeable to keep you accountable seems to grow smaller and smaller as life and relationships continue to expand.

but now that i'm over the whole hipster culture [and i should mention that the realms of all other middle class and outdoor adventurers and educators etc are alive here too. i'm just experiencing the aforementioned closest]- and consequently because of the vibes that i once carried after reading one six year old, popular christian book- i'm starting to find a flow in this mix of people and music and art and coffee and bookstores even if chrome messenger bags and stubby cyclist caps are inevitable stitches in the fabric.

in the park yesterday a friend told me how they felt that their life before leaving colorado for portland had seemed like a frustrating intake of knowledge and religious mindset. the whole 'religion vs spirituality' quest is sadly starting to become a more and more difficult clique to appropriate even though its no less valid or important. i can understand, then, through my own perspective and of this friend's story, how portland as a location and community has become less of a distant mental place and more of an epicenter for hipster generation pilgrims who's mecca has prodded the pursuit for outflow of genuine life and for seeking the aspects of spirituality and this community.

sorry to have all these fragments but the last parts of today turned out to be pretty sweet. we went to a massive goodwill this afternoon and i got two baseball gloves and a major league baseball for under ten dollars. what a steal. housemate andy and i rode our bikes like seven year old kids to the nearest field to play catch.

then much later after heading solo to powell's bookstore and staying until eleven p.m. closing time, i hopped back on my bike and zipped through the empty downtown streets. these wanderings eventually brought me to a connecting route to the bike path. under this overpass i found a massive collection of hippies with percussion instruments. one guy told me that they come every sunday night. my back pocket notebook is filled with a double backed page of notes and observations that i'll probably use to reword and remember the midnight beats under that bridge.

Day 363

2009-05-09T23:06:00.002-07:00

i'm so west coast right now. sooo west coast. this is supposed to mean that i'm cool.

actually i'm joking. but i'm also a tiny bit serious because all jokes have slivers of truth. here's why this inane narcissism has gained humorous relevance.

i am 'so west coast' right now because i'm at a coffee shop. in portland. with an apple laptop. and coffee. i have a beanie on. and a checkered wrangler shirt. there's a beard and months of uncut hair across my face. my shoes have a hempish appearance. and i rode a bike here.

i am also 'so west coast' right now because, while at this coffee shop, there are at least six text edit files cluttering my screen. here entails the epitome of being 'so west coast' because these files contain the deepest thoughts of lists and goals possibly imaginable by a human's own powers of self awareness. self expression and self awareness is so west coast. have i mentioned that i'm soo west coast right now.

okay, we're both probably sick of trying to make that seem funny. its just that the silly details of these observations had hit me a few seconds ago so i opened a seventh text edit file to jot down the parallels. somebody out there is probably mad right now. i'm sorry. there is an oncoming conclusion for these statements.

early this morning the neighbor across the street was blasting the country station from the open doors his white subcompact. blurry vision made the car look like a stretching, giant insect that was about to fly away. please do. i have no grudges, however, because it's my choice to sleep on the front porch couch each night. i've noticed a few more bums passing on the lower sidewalk during the darkness too. the rattle of their overloaded and tarp-covered shopping cars hardly competes with the punctuating roar of the train, but i still like sleeping out here. a lot. i always wake up refreshed. and today as the eastern sun shot down on my face i had no choice but to acknowledge daylight and, consequently, reeba mcintire and tim mcgraw. did i mention it's hard to oversleep when you sleep outside? and this, being the flawless day it is, was opportune for hopping on a bike to head to palio's coffee shop because, for whatever reasons, i've been totally unable to concentrate or accomplish much around the house. the morning's indescribable unmotivation had, until now, been almost suffocating.

but i came here to work on something that you'll probably remember- i briefly mentioned them a hundred or so days ago. i wanted to take advantage of this morning's unusual combination of angst and freedom by working on the second editions of those 'i am' and 'i would' lists. forget about new years. spring is my time to outline and determine goals. the perspective on the day has changed full swing since coming here and i'm feeling at peace again.

the man who i assume is the owner of the shop just walked by with a tray of fortune cookies. 'wanna find out if you're gonna live or die today?' he offers. 'probably a good thing to know,' i concede. apparently i'll be sweet for a little while longer because '[you] will welcome many people with your smile.' hey okay.

so now that i've got my life mission in my hand and you and i have since forgotten about the ridiculous pretentiousness of the first couple paragraphs, i'm going to give you my list. maybe try it sit down somewhere chill or comfortable and list the events and actions and changes you would appropriate and strive for if you were to have a little more free and content life. goals. i've found that outputting honest philosophies are much more flexible quests because i'm horrible at definitively answering 'future plans' or 'next step' questions.

the rest of the day was filled with worthwhile and fulfilling activities. i feel like i've gone too many words so far and i haven't even posted the list yet. i won't hold it against you to stop here. i've even taken a few of the sections out, as usual, as not to go all bildungsroman on you. and this is just the first draft.

'i would' part ll herein rebirthed may 9th, 2009, over one year after conception.

i would practice more kindness
i would be more generous

i would play music professionally
i would write professionally
i would photograph professionally

i would make my first documentary
i would work hard for some savings
i would start my library
i would start my music room

i would stay sharp
i would keep learning
i would keep teaching myself

i would write a book
i would start a band
i would be involved in ministry
i would work with youth
i would tell my story

i would ask people what they want most in life
i would maybe help them find what that was

i would go running
i would stay healthy
i would take vitamins
i would write one good song per month

i would keep lowering my expectations for the typical life of searching for ultimate comfort and self gratification
i would keep setting standards and goals

i would continually try to redefine my spirituality and refuse the way it had so often manipulated the perspective of my appearance to people rather than the influence it has on life itself through Jesus Christ

i would continue walking barefoot whenever possible
i would ride a bike more
i would not suddenly rely on a cell phone
i would continue meeting people, investing in people, learning from people. loving people.

i would keep these philosophies for life
i would let them grow and expand
i would keep doing this list every spring

i would keep pursuing: faith, love, adventure, inspiration, peace, balance, freedom.
i would keep being free.

Day 362

2009-05-08T23:09:00.002-07:00

this sentence is the proof that i didn't head to the ocean. i'm sorry. it's really become hard for me to plan but it's still a huge possibility. anyways, happy birthday mom.

i did go for an early morning bike ride. after waking outside i showered and hopped on a bike for the grueling uphill trek. after some time at a friend's coffee shop i headed to powell's to spend a good amount of time reading and chilling and watching people cross the burnside sidewalk through the cafe windows. today was the first clear and sunny day here in a few days.

there was a student art show tonight that one of the housemate's school was involved in so we all rode our bikes there for some standing around and musing and light discussion on each piece's impression and technique. actually i think we made most of our art knowledge up on the spot for fun. but i was fun indeed.

Day 361

2009-05-07T00:28:00.006-07:00

the long setting sun warms the west-facing parts of the neighborhood. everything seems to be square because of this and only the one side catches the light and falls highlighted into place between the vivid blue of sky and between the breezy greens of trees and bushes and lawns. we're on the roof chilling and every once in a while a car or bike will pass and wave. a few even say hello and we shout back before they're gone again. i can see parts of the stout portland skyline over and behind the treetops. this is a skyline that is unbiased and indifferent to your acceptance or rejection of your distant judgements. less than impressive towers may be a good thing and i think this is taken as such by so many of the mellow people that live here.

parker and i went to see laura gibson and damien jurado play tonight at the doug fir. i'm sure that means nothing to most people but that's okay. i'm telling you this in order to tell you that these things are good things. the lower lounge is dimly lit between walls of solid logs. the floor tiles towards the back are lit from underneath and the area in front up by the stage is an open concrete floor where we sit. good vibe.

so here's the deal. i might be heading out tomorrow for the coast. i might not. i'll have to see how the weather is, etc, but if there are no posts for a couple days then you know why this is happening. they will be filled in when i get back. if it happens like i said it might. and if it happens like i says it might then happy birthday mom when you read this post on friday the 8th.

Day 360

2009-05-06T23:46:00.003-07:00

portland state university was, in my mind, much like any other school i think i've seen. there was the mix of west coast hipsters and hippies and then everyone else you'd expect to see except for the bunch of school-prided athletes since there aren't many standard sports here due to being a commuter school. there's a good chance, though, that a forty year old student will be in some random class with you even though they've long given up hope on making the tennis team. but there's a bowling alley and a stylish graphics and video computer lab and one of those likable beat up pianos in the commons. portland state university.

my friend sarah humored my curiosity and gave me a tour of the campus. that's how i came to learn these things and for whatever reason i had to get that place out of my system. i guess i've long given up on trying too hard to figure out everything at once. no forced reactions. hopefully that's been noticeable through these daily updates. by the way we're only five days away. i'm kind of counting down at this point.

but the timing and development of faith and trust thus far has pulled together many perspectives and long term hopes into a concentrated sense of standards and desires and has also, most importantly, reduced the stress by intentionally limiting things like the 'ten years from now' questions. all this helps stoke discernment for the places that may or may not be attractive in my mind. regardless i'll be returning to illinois in less than a month (there, i said it) and i'm excited to see old friends and family and to see the landscape of changed familiarity.

most of all i'm eager to practice using these new eyes. i'm eager to speak with this new soul. i'm eager to hear from my friends' about their lives and adventures and semesters and relationships. i've got a cluster of joy and hope and love and experience and friendship and new awarenesses inside to share as well.

so as psu students are buckling down for the last couple weeks i'm excluded and have no college finals to study for. but i'm trying harder to pay attention to things. i'm keeping an eye out for possible connections and in some conclusive way maybe the next couple weeks will be a kind of final review to go with the season.

tonight was a sweet combination to these thoughts and desires. i'd mentioned that the imago dei church had replaced all non-sunday activities with a wednesday night prayer meeting. a few of us went and the place was packed and i'm glad i could be part of it.

hey and by the way thanks again for reading this silly blog for so long.

Day 359

2009-05-05T01:19:00.002-07:00

mount tabor is an extinct volcano cylinder in this south east section of portland. it had come to mind when i awoke outside this morning and parker and roommate mark both agreed to go for a ride there. we packed some books and rode as far up as we could until we walked our bikes along the hiking path. it reminded me of clawing through the snow on polar peak [pictures] except today we were sweating and had bikes.

we had brought some books and i picked a stone table in the center of a cathedral of towering trees for a reading spot. after an hour or so we cruised down and did whatever else we were meant around town.

later parker returned home from work only minutes after leaving. they didn't need him tonight. the timing was bad, however, because he's been concerned about paying rent. i remembered conversations with tim on our fernie front porch about how we felt that we'd want to be generous with our money if we were ever to become rich. i'm not sure why that little thought swung up and around but it did when i noticed him making popcorn so parker and i walked to the twenty-four hour hot cake house to chill and get some food. moments and opportunities like these are the greatest times to practice helping others and it was a good vibe to be able to sit and talk about spirituality and people and to also observe the interesting patrons who also enjoy late night breakfast. i only tell this in order to encourage you to look for a way to help someone out or encourage someone with what you have on your right now.

by the way i started working on putting together a new header image. somethings a little wrong with the one up there right now but don't worry. a new one is on the way.

Day 358

2009-05-04T00:25:00.004-07:00

sleeping outside makes a few hours of sleep feel like at least ten. the chunky columns and thick overhang protects from any midnight rain and i've gotten used to the howling of the train's pass. the skies grow lighter and lighter and i know that i've almost been up all night but by the time parker comes outside and slaps the flares of my couch head (similar to bed head) i find that it's almost ten thirty in the morning.

i had just posted up yesterday's late night strands when andy got home. he's a blonde kid with black frame glasses from arizona and has a degree in recording engineering. in last week's introductions his resemblance oddly reminded me of the character davey from the ancient claymation series davey and goliath except andy's hair is shorter. but he came and sat down and mentioned that we'd both been here for one and two weeks so far. i would have never really known who 'belongs' in portland and who'd just moved in. if anyone else comes to the house i'm sure i'll 'belong' to portland in their mind.

and we were sharing our observations on this city and the people and we both had confusing conclusions about meeting and interacting. maybe it's relatable to the weird tinge of yesterday morning. maybe not. but this is the first place that i've found thus far where laid back people aren't very outgoing in conversation but who become immediate friends nonetheless. and yet nobody really seems too concerned with context or depth unless it seems to warrent personal explanations for self expression and knowledge for art, music, or bicycle technology. it's interesting and almost attractive in a magnetic sense. grassroots. i've always wanted to use that word in an explanation.

but everyplace else i've been before here had involved a solid flow of people who were both curious about the comings and goings of life and developed the steps relationships as the means for becoming adjusted with the rest. maybe in portland everyone- and i'm not even sure who 'everyone' would be defined as since most 'everyone' i know so far has moved here fairly recently- is used to the dozens of people who'd flocked after reading blue like jazz. maybe not.

it's not a bad thing. definitely not. i do like it here. i just wanted to understand why i liked it despite the strange sub contexts. and i feel that this place in time and variety are good places to be. there's so much balance.

and because of this desire to understand all this i put on my rain coat and borrowed a messenger bag and rode my bike a couple blocks through the rain to palio's. the skies are white and the rain is steady and slow. nobody seems to mind getting a little wet. i'm inside now and my jeans are nearly dry already and i guess maybe i'm one of those people as well.

here's something you need to know. i'm looking to take a break from this blog in order to seek perspective on some things. in order to accomplish this i'm making plans to find a way to cannon beach later this week. the rain has been constant, though, and there are only a couple days that are supposed to be decent and good weather would be ideal for camping and reading on the ocean. thursday and friday are looking to be nicer and i'm planning on taking just my pack, sleeping bag, tent, Bible, and this book. i have a stash of beans and rice and ramen and avocados for the couple days and have some legal pads from the weekend's dumpster dive missions for notes etc.

i just read a line in the book bird by bird that says ''for a life oriented to leisure is in the end a life oriented to death- the greatest leisure of all" and i'm glad to have found this thought in one sentence. i've been trying to understand this idea in long paragraphs and late night postings. but leisure, along with wealth and technology, seems to be the philosophy of the western world's consumerism. that's why i randomly tried to explain life without a cell phone and car etc. that's why i'm trying to stay aware to the connections and developments of everything that has been going on.

Day 357

2009-05-03T00:04:00.002-07:00

*the following is the raw outlinings of many conversations and observations and occurrences. i apologize for this scatteredness, for any cheesiness, and also for the made-up words like outlinings and scatteredness. but i'm interested to see how they continue to converge and connect over the next couple weeks so i'll probably keep this manner of breaking pattern for a little bit because i might need them again soon. here we go.*

i couldn't put a finger on what i had sensed, but from the moment of walking into the school auditorium that holds imago dei church services i felt there was an uneasiness. maybe it wasn't that clear of a disturbance, but i wondered if something was wrong. we hadn't been in time for the the first part of music and pastor rick mckinley was beginning a message that eventually came to a screeching halt. he'd been talking about the community which, for what i've noticed in during the past week in portland, holds high priority for christians in this area. people all seem to support involvement in community and togetherness. some also express their spiritual feelings through the public display of signs. but the pastor was saying how some of these things were not working.

pastor shawn barden and i had talked about the likes of super pastors and popular churchs back in fernie during an afternoon at the tea house. imago dei received a ton of awareness because of don miller's book blue like jazz and i wasn't surprised- and was also very interested- when my friend sarah told me that part of her decision to move here three years ago was because of what she'd read in that book. she told me that there were several people in that new members class who would mention how they'd also been attracted to the city and church because of what they had read.

so this morning rick mckinley told the congregation that all activities outside of sunday services would be cancelled for the next month. and he seemed sad because he was concerned people weren't concerned as much with the inner community and living of the church. the image of God. he joked about people already starting to get mad in their seats about one less barbeque event and followed by asking the full room for a show of hands of whom he could expect to show up for pray on wednesday regarding the growth of the church and the earnestness of its members. maybe ten percent of people raised their hands. and he seemed sadder- like this was going from bad to worse. i haven't been here around long enough to know what's up really but it seems from some other conversations that some of the regular attenders haven't been experiencing the same flow as before. i'm not sure how to exactly translate that further.

but there was something towards the end of the sermon that i wrote down in the little back pocket idea notebook. he described christianity as coming to the cross alone and leaving in community with both God and others.

and as the afternoon's thoughts and conversations unraveled among friends and another trip to the piano warehouse and a little breakfast restaurant, the entire context of the past three hundred fifty-seven days displayed this same kind of community through correlations and connections of most every person who's had an impact on my life and the growth and progress during all this. Jesus is still the bottom line and, in this way, my experience with christian community has been linked step by step by hundreds of other christians. that's been life changing in of itself.

[man, i'm starting to lose ability to pull in the thoughts and occurrences and connections that have been become more and more frequent this past week. so many pieces are connecting and i'm starting to feel an end to what has been almost a year.]

and over an afternoon breakfast i heard another story from another person who is getting ready to graduate college and seek swift transition into a job to start paying off loans. maybe they weren't ready to accept these steps as the fulfillment of life thus far. i'm thankful for all the people and their honesty and their relating of their experiences. even while some are growing successful many of my generation seem to be seeking something different. unfortunately there are two sides.

parker's dad, ken, had told me last week how he didn't understand this generation very well. rightfully so he observed that they seemed to be looking for more and more of a handout while taking more and more steps away from hard work. i've been finding so many people my age both in portland and in every previous place who are content to live to get by and who seemingly embrace these christian aspects of community and love. it seems to work and also seems to have flaws. still- and maybe it's the west coast liberal influence or something- i've never met so many christians my age who go to church and profess to follow Jesus while also having a heavy involvement in alcoholism and incessant cursing.

they guys at the house here had a meeting about it today. there are a couple of us staying here temporarily and we were asked to come and participate in the talk. after the main seven of them talked about their monthly bill allotments they began to share ideas and rules for avoiding falling into anything detrimental to their community and spirituality due to alcohol. apparently this buzz has been going and growing for a while and it was actually kind of cool to be on the fringes of these guys who are trying to straighten some things out amongst themselves.

but towards the end i spoke up.

i've been here a week as of today and the meld with the guys and greater college age community here has been flawless, really. i'm thankful to have been accepted and to have grown so comfortable with them in seven days. but i had to tell them that when i first came to town i'd thought that my friend parker was the only christian in the house. it hurt me to hear them swear and curse constantly and then was confused to find that they're all active christians who seek to show Jesus' love to others. a few of the guys are making changes because of what was said at the end and they told me so.

man, i really am starting to feel pretentious and incapable in explaining the greater goings on lately. they've been so good. and there are so many stories to be told and connected that i'm kind of losing hope in sharing them on this silly blog. but i'm trying pretty hard right now so please forgive the briefness and cuts in explanations. the only reason i try to share this is to share and remember the spiritual excitement and personal change that's been happening through what i've been able to see happen and connect during only a week in portland.

so if i couldn't immediately put a finger on the sense in church this morning i can now tell that i was uneasy about the lethargic approach i've been seeing in christian communities. and i've been told by others here that it's hard to know whether they should cut ties or if they should stay in hopes of inducing positive changes.

this is the last major thing. it has to do with the hand outs ken had mentioned. ashamedly i admit to having these kind of 'hand out' thoughts. here is the proof. but today it struck me anew how having what little i've had thus far has exponentially increased the amount and depth of relationships and pursuit of life and spirituality. even not having a cell phone has been one of the greatest affecting factor to the relationships that have come along because even though i can't get a hold of many of these people at any time the depth and quality have been increased.

parker and i were talking about random things late last night and there was a point where i counter-observed something he said. 'if you gave one dollar to every homeless person you meet for the rest of your life, they'll still be poor and you probably won't have anything at all.' and by this we would have been also talking about how living is the most important aspect for doing lasting good.

so, less is more. i have no student loans. i have no phone here. no car. some money. but i've never seen and experienced and been so moved by the affects of constant exposure and involvement with the body of Jesus Christ.

and tonight at this house on south east clinton street there were over twenty college age students who gathered to hang out as we had a barbeque. the smell of smoke lingers on the couch of this outdoor front porch where i've chosen to sleep for a third night in a row.

Day 356

2009-05-02T03:23:00.003-07:00

portland weather is crazy. but first,

i woke up on the front porch this morning. this was on purpose. last night i'd been kind of restless and everyone had gone to bed. the front porch is kind of like the one you can see during the opening sequence of 'full house' and there are matching houses to this one for the next two houses down to my right on this southeast clinton avenue. the three columns and knee high railing of ours holds one long brown couch, a coffee table, and a couple chairs. there are also christmas lights that hang above the wooden border for the late night sessions.

but the warm, outside air had somehow made up for only a few hours of sleep. after talking with some of the guys on the porch i headed down a few blocks to a piano store.

and this was no ordinary piano store.

it was a warehouse of sorts down on milwaukie street. there's a cherry baby grand next to the front desk where you check in. the secretary, who i later found out does not play piano, took my name and i played a little tune while i waited for one of the attendants to come unlock the warehouse for me. i had no idea what any of this meant or was leading up to.

but a short guy named taylor came around the corner to ''let me in'' and i soon found that there's anther building behind what had been just an office- a check point.

''there are over three hundred pianos back here,'' he told me, and he started to give me a tour. i don't remember what he said, though, because we entered a brick walled warehouse that was filled with shiny back and white and ivory. there really were hundreds of them and they all looked like lazy hippopotamuses with open mouths. taylor disappeared and i was free to roam, to touch, to play.

i found one i really liked and maybe in seventy years i'll be able to come back and buy it. for whatever reason i started playing desperado. i heard a door slide open behind me but didn't turn around. suddenly someone was playing along in what i was later informed to be the gospel indoctrination of the tune. we played accompanied and only after finishing did i turn around to see the grey haired repair man get up and disappear behind wall-sized sliding door. i've never had an experience like this- the combined sounds of two pianos of which neither could i have afforded if i'd spent every dime of my life thus far.

i played around some more and switched amongst pianos. on the way out i stopped by the repairman's area and he told me that i'd been playing all his favorite songs. i asked him to play something but he said he was too busy- said he had to come up from seattle to help these guys catch up on repairs- and we continued to talk about the difficulty of getting into the piano maintenance industry.

after getting back to the front porch and my book the skies had darkened to rare and enthralling thunder. hail. driving rain. trees were struck and fell. minutes later all was quiet and the sun came out. skies blued. and minutes after that the clouds rolled back and light rain continued.

by the time i was heading out to meet a friend for coffee i was riding into a mild sunset.

and hours later we were hanging downtown next to blazer's center channing frye.

Day 355

2009-05-01T10:33:00.003-07:00

there's something that needs to be said about last night.

first we rode our bikes to 'last thursday' where hippies and portland's obscure specialists congregate on the last thursday to sell their hand made jewelry, crafts, art, and food. there were some protests for immigrant rights and then some slow motion dance-fighting. and dollar hot dogs. i don't know how many vw vans hugged curbs along these blocks.

it's also a tradition to dumpster dive. i have fond childhood memories of this activity and about ten of us met up to go to the university of portland campus late last night. yesterday had been the final day and move out was today so the area around the dumpsters were filled with decent furniture, a bike, and electronics. there were three, boxed, brand new pairs of nikes, dvd drive, sealed non-perishables, shampoos, and a ton of other usable things that had been abandoned that afternoon. one of the guys in our group found an unopened birthday card that still had twenty dollars in it- this was that kind of dumpster. after well over an hour of searching the campus security came around and very casually asked us to leave, saying we could take whatever we had found thus far.

so. that was late last night and early this morning. it seemed worth mentioning.

it especially was worth mentioning since what i was going to put up isn't ready yet. for most of the day i read and wrote in palio's or with the other guys on the front porch. i also found that no amount of dried apple chips can counteract hunger. in fact i think they aid hunger throughout a day. all that chewing. anyways, after a group dinner we headed to a cinco de mayo party with people in the imago dei college group.

i wanna show you one of the coolest things i've seen in a while. you'll fully understand why this is so after about two minutes.

Day 354

2009-04-30T02:13:00.000-07:00

the morning has exploded into cloudless blues and vivid greens. someone's mowing the lawn and the cool air carries the scent on golden gusts to the center grass of the roundabouts where people are scattered reading or sleeping or playing with their dog.

cole and i hopped on bikes to go to the grocery store. this trader joes in the southeast neighborhood of portland is the very one across the street from my couchsurfing.com friends from last fall. remember that? here is yet another cool little connection of old and new people and places.

i'm not sure i tell you about the trouble i get into every once in a while. it's nothing serious and things have always worked out, but there are some side affects to traveling and living without a cell phone. i've embraced and enjoyed it so far, but there are times when i find myself 'up a creek and without a paddle' as today's gas station employee suggested.

it happened before in vancouver when tyler's number was a digit off in my notepad and he wasn't in the phonebook and i had to research maps and memories to hitch back. it happened in seattle last week when the pay phones wouldn't dial parker's cell number and it took forty minutes of store hopping to be granted a phone call to plan our reuniting before the noah concert. and it happened again today when my bike's rear wheel stopped turning altogether because of some broken hub and cole and i were separated. i hopped on a bus and offered my total of twenty-seven cents to which the driver casually accepted. the gas station couldn't call cole's long distance, california cell number and only after visiting a diner a few blocks down did i place the call. the waitress had told me to pick a seat and i asked about the phone. i told her i'd try to make it back some other time for food.

these events aren't too serious at all but they make me realize that having a working phone and my own car back home at such a young age was really an incredible privilege. i don't think i ever would have seen those two things in this way before.

but my bike wheel was toast and i spent the rest of the trip under an aluminum-crucifix plod. on the walk back to the house, though, i found i was perfectly happy. there was fresh air and sun and this new place. i don't know how to explain the following other than by saying that i've found it to be exponentially (big word) satisfying to consciously 'give'- and that's where i mean i can't explain it- these moments and feelings of contentment or unbridled happiness or inspiration to God, or at least let him know that i'm thankful for them and that i'm trying to relate them back.

and as i walked the sidewalk under the blossoming trees i mulled over the comment of a friend who had said that they thought i had done more with a year than anyone else they know. that meant a lot and today, with the bike across my back, i thought about the past near year in total and the continually intersecting paths and friends and clutch earning opportunities and although i don't have an impressive amount of money, i have enough coin to survive and to start paying back my parents. and if it's a parent's goal to see their kid happy and successful wherever they're at then i hope that the context of the past three fifty-four days lends these daily, last minute posts for the telling and finding all this kind of adventure and learning and happiness and growth that i never imagined could happen in a life. it's almost become a flexible, pseudo self-support lifestyle of its own that, in its own concentrated genre, i would guess to be as exciting and rewarding than if i had never left illinois and had just plowed through another year of college and future planning and retail working.

for all this i am thankful. and in these ways and in the closing line i want to here acknowledge Jesus as my trust and director of paths.

Day 353

2009-04-29T18:17:00.004-07:00

hey, remember last week when we went to the noah gundersen show and got to sing onstage? these people did. check the second picture and the guy directly next to noah gundersen.

lately i've been all over the place with words that get strung and tossed night after night on this blog. sometimes i really want to tell more of a story or give details for other things but that hasn't happening too much lately. other times i just mirror a few actions and steps and places. for instance some recent conversations with people and friends back home have been really inspiring and more than complementing. thanks for that. it's cool to be able to share vibes on life through the different kinds we have been living. i wish the whole scene could be shared.

but i'm glad to be getting a groove in portland. there are so many past places now that have become familiar and even more people who have become like floating third and fourth and seventeenth homes.

if you're in the greater chicago area i have some great news for you. noah gundersen is playing one show at north park university. no joke. he only really plays the pacific northwest but he's got a connection there. tomorrow night (thursday) at 7:30 at anderson chapel. a friend from home is going to be there and these small connecting factors are just another of the many that have been alive and growing during all this.

Day 352

2009-04-28T14:39:00.004-07:00

flowers. blossoms. moss. humidity. rain. damp wood. pavement. grass.

these are the smells of an overcast and rainy portland afternoon.

so get this. i'm back at palios coffee sitting by the window. there's at least seven other people a glance away doing the same. wait, i can count six. and we're all here being really quiet except for our little taps and clicks. i just moved to a table where an older gentleman had claimed one of the only existing power outlets left in this establishment but he's willing to share the space. i'd just checked the back rooms but it's too awkward to bend near others' tables to see if they're near a power source. there's another dozen back there and nobody looks up.

i was making headway into a few borrowed books when the rain suddenly stopped so i hurried back to the house to grab my bike before the sunshine disappeared again. i got directions from parker and headed solo into the streams of traffic for downtown. after a stop at the buffalo clothes exchange and an hour or so reading other books at powell's on burnside, i unlocked the bike and headed with traffic to wander around the north face store and to whole foods for the classic banana lunch. 'earth bananas, man,' i answered the cashier when he asked if these were from the organic, fair trade, or regular earth category.

tonight is poker night at the house. in the end it came down to me and andy after the other four had been eliminated. we laid our cards down to to the luck of the draw so that the game didn't have to go too long. his cards won, i guess, even though we were both ready for the rewardless game to be over.

finally, the middle roof is a sweet place to chill and the overhanging top eve provides shelters from the rain. both parker's bedroom windows open to this little area and i've found another sweet place to chill during the afternoon. some of the passing cars and bikes on the street below and honk or wave acknowledgments.

edit addition: we just went out searching for food and i knocked on the doors of a dominoes at eight minutes past midnight. turns out they did have extra and hooked us up with a hot box of deep dish. i love this place.

Day 351

2009-04-27T02:19:00.002-07:00

the shriek of the stiff wooden stairs blends in with the other groans of this old house and with the howls of nearby trains. heavy sleeping habits overwrite any permanent distraction and only does the sharp noon sun raise my awareness to notice a housemate coming down to wish everyone good morning. i got up from my makeshift yet comfortable bed on the couch. about an hour later parker and i are leaving the house on our bikes for my first official day as a temporary resident of oregon.

riding a bike in this town is just as efficient, if not better than, a car. it was only a few minutes until we'd crossed the river into downtown and pulled off at stumptown coffee. most everyone inside had a beanie perched like hipster yamakas atop their exposed foreheads. below the neck hang cardigan sweaters and most of these people are hunched over computers as they bang away without breaking eye contact with the screen. i wonder what they're working on as parker and i walk outside to a table on the sidewalk near our bikes.

also, it seems that a semi-beard is just as popular as any kind of full beard. maybe i'm looking too hard at these people, but most guys seem to dexterously manage a heavy five o'clock shadow without an all-out commitment to the lumberjack groove.

still, the coffee here is tops and these bikes are a good idea and i've adjusted to the road bike hunch. there are no mountains inside this city. parker continued to give me the tour and we pedaled in between cars and along the bike lane while keeping constant watch for the potentially devastating tram car grooves.

powell's is, i think, the world's biggest independent bookstore. there are different color-coded levels and we spent a good chunk of time wandering the warehouse of pale, wood shelves. there's a bob dylan scrapbook that i'd always seen for forty-five dollars. they had one for fifteen bones. and no sales tax. needless to say i bought it. and here again begins the impulsive purchasing of books.
after leaving the bookstore and riding the tram and walking around we chilled in a starbucks where one of parker's friends hooked us up with some free coffee. the imago dei college group was meeting at a house across the street in an hour and i explored the pockets and articles of dylan book and parker read the other one i'd bought. here's where i hope i start remembering more details about the night.

i was surprised how crowded the house was. luke and levi live there and seem to be either finishing up some sort of school or are working and i guess they're about five years older than i am. maybe twenty five people are scattered between the kitchen and living room and hallways. a row of bikes hang from one of the walls.

we watched a rob bell video called bullhorn where bell asks his christian viewers to stop using bullhorns on street corners to try to tell people about Jesus and hell and heaven and repenting and sin. he says that christians should focus on acts of love instead of announcing judgement through abrasive messages for repentance.

so we have group discussions and a surprising few seemed to believe that loving people is more important than having the name of Jesus being involved and acknowledged as the bottom line motive. they called it avoiding having an agenda. i told the story from the weekend about the guy chris and what he'd said when i asked him why he feeds the homeless and works charity. Jesus wasn't a factor for him and he does what he does just to help and love others, so do chris' actions parallel that of a christian who, some believed, should love for loves sake and not necessarily include the name of Jesus, even if it was in some minor presentation? some of the same earlier people answered that since God is love then anyone, anywhere can do something and have it involve Jesus without having to put him into the equation. i wondered back, then, what was the difference about letting people know then that what you've done for them is both out of love for Jesus and for that person, since it's all supposedly connected anyways by whoever does whatever in the name of love. several others agreed that this was indeed our responsibilities as christians.

i'm not making any judgement calls here. the small group tonight was really interesting and i'm glad to have met people who love Jesus and are the same age as me. still, i'm interested to see how things unfold further.

Day 350

2009-04-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

i feel there needs to be mention of this morning's church and second consecutive afternoon feast cookout. this time a new group of friends gathered at the gohricks and ken somehow managed to produce another batch of gourmet speciality, oven stone pizzas. the sun was out and the low lawn held cut lines and a green smell and there were hammocks and talking and chilling. dozens of fishing boats bobbed in the backyard lake in celebration of opening season.

over lunch i met a musician who'd impressed me this morning at church and he told me about his professional career in various symphonies and bands around the states. his shiny, round forehead and long white beard and laugh were as jolly as santa. i guess mostly just his personality would have been jolly, but he told me stories about music and traveling and then said that when he reached the age of thirty or so he started to get tired of the moving around and constant uprooting of the adventurous life. he told me to enjoy it while i can. and i am.

i'm especially excited right now because i'm sitting in portland, oregon, at a coffee shop often cited by writer don miller as one of his favorite places to write his books. and i can see why. the place is big but not wide and single sections of tables and chairs border the windows. there are dozens of college students hunched with computers in the dim, yellow light and i'm really just happy to be here. i don't even think i'll be able to read my book here tonight. can't concentrate.

parker's house is only a five minute walk from this place but i think i got here in four. a full moon is cloaked in mist above downtown and patches of sky and moonlight hang a heavy blue between the branches of trees on these neighborhood sidewalks and streets. the air is warm and smells like flowers; i think tulips are popular here. several flashing cyclers whizz past on the asphalt and through shadows and past parked cars.

parker is experiencing his own community and renting experience, maybe somewhat like my fernie, and he's invited me to stay for a bit. the guys he lives with all seem cool so far and most of us had hung out over the weekend while riding bikes and going to the concert in seattle.

it's ten p.m. and palio doesn't close for another hour. i'm so stoked to be here right now. just over a year ago i'd bought a discounted road atlas from a borders bookstore in illinois and had reviewed and explored what highways would bring me from rockford to portland. i'd spent weeks looking for rooms for rent in the shared houses section on craigslist. i'd even talked to the manager at my sporting goods store and he said that a transfer to the new portland store could definitely happen. that was back in march 2008 and still it somehow didn't make sense then.

and i'm not saying that just because i'm here right now that an omnipotent understanding has suddenly arrived. to be honest, i've stopped looking back on the past 350 days as a lump sum and have grown to value each step and day and relationship and risk and success and failure and opportunity.

so tonight from edge of 16th and next to the massive roundabout circle outside the window i want to tell you that i'm stoked to be here for the next month. my new musician friend up north had asked me what i would do if i could do anything for the rest of my life. i told him i'd play music and write non-fiction books and do photography in whatever ministry or cause would be appropriate.

so here i am in portland for the next few weeks. then there's a reunion with some fernie and montana friends at the sasquatch music festival in eastern washington. and then to illinois.

and by then who knows what will have happened.

Day 349

2009-04-25T23:43:00.003-07:00

we left downtown seattle this afternoon for parker's parents house at the lake. ken was having his big party for the business partners from their international trout lodge company and the air was thick with the sweetness of bbq ribs and stone oven pizza. the slushy and soft serve ice cream machines were running. the popcorn was ready. we helped to prepare what food we could and then mingled and most everyone of the men thought i was parker and kept telling me how much i've grown and that i was hairier than they remembered.

after everyone had gone home parker brought the karaoke machine out and the family and cole and i sat around and they sang and i played piano along to some of the songs.

Day 348

2009-04-24T00:05:00.004-07:00

everyone's coming back to the apartment and i've got a couple seconds to dump a couple things out before concentration slides away. i'll come back before tomorrow's post to edit and put some links in for the organizations and musicians mentioned below.

we rode road bikes today all around seattle. everywhere. our adventure started near the seattle pacific university campus where we met indie musician noah gundersen for lunch. he had a show tonight on campus with david bazan (pedro the lion, headphones, etc) that we'd all be back for.

as is usual, i later split off from the group and locked my borrowed bike in front of a borders. finally an american bookstore. i would like nothing more than to one day have a chill place where i can have my own library of books and music and instruments. anyways, while wandering the sunny streets of the pike place market i ran into a new friend, chris, who i'd met a few hours earlier and who was a friend of parkers. he works for the charity children international and we got to know each other a bit on the street corner of pine and first. chris looks just like one of my baseball teammates from rock valley college except he has piercings of bone particles in his ear. i asked him why he does what he does and why he walks downtown and asks people to sponsor children for twenty dollars a month. he'd already tried to get me and i changed subjects.

his reasons were non spiritual and elementally human: contentment and the feeling of helping. the explanation was cut short by a homeless girl. "man, she would be so beautiful if she could kick her habit and get a shower. i can just see her walking the streets in a sundress and maybe a little bit of make up and enjoying her day instead of sitting and begging on the corner to aid her fix." chris and i walked across the street and he bought her a piece of pizza. after handing it over and him saying that he knows and wants to identify with these 'bum' friends, we saw the girl tearing her pizza in half to share with another bum across the street. a beautiful moment. i saw another homeless man drinking the last sips from a drink he scooped from the garbage. ten feet away from him were the shopping middle class husbands and wives and families. on the other side of this were luxury cars and shiny rims roaring over the downtown cobblestone. and nobody seemed to notice either of the others within their thirty foot radius. all these things connected in my mind and i agreed to sponsor a child and picked a boy in mexico because i'd been there a couple times before.

there was an awesome three piece bluegrass band outside the original starbucks and i leaned against a light pole for fifteen minutes. i was glad i had no backpack and didn't feel like a tourist during my wandering laps through the crowds of families and foreigners and shoppers. pike place market.

i rode along with traffic to meet back up with the other guys and we headed back to campus for the show. we chilled with noah backstage and the group of us took a walk around campus. we didn't even have to worry about seats cause we were all given reserved 4th row seats with him. awesome. before noah went up he asked four of us if we wanted to come on stage for part of the singalong for the last song. yes, that would be sweet.

the room was two hundred plus packed and when we got our cue we ran onto the stage to sing the melody. it was great. then the lights dimmed and david bazan clawed his acoustic guitar and thanked us for coming to see an 'old guy singing old songs.' his tone was milk and honey and the whole room was motionless for every tune. in between songs he'd interact and would answer any questions. at the end he told everyone to ''be sweet to each other if they really believe what the Bible says.''

dick's is a fast food, outdoor burger joint that hasn't changed prices in fifty-five years of business. that's incredible on so many levels and the high school kids in orange uniforms that work on the other side of the glass move so quick that it's almost unsettling to think that they're doing it for me. but the food is good and incredibly cheap and is also tonight's last reason to love seattle.

that's a quick summary. bikes, seattle, coffee, books, musicians, friends, homeless, charities, good people, food, and a somehow privileged life and journey. i'm so happy and so thankful to be alive.

Day 347

2009-04-23T00:14:00.001-07:00

i think i have a normal sleep schedule. that's cool.

there's a big cookout at the house this weekend for ken's fellow partners of their trout farming business. i finished a big part of the berm yesterday and today started washing down the lawn furniture to help with preparation. we stained the deck at the job site too, finally, which was clutch because the sun and the waves of the boat wakes were both distant enough for the first coat to get done entirely. working with parker's dad ken has been really cool. our conversations have been pretty meaningful lately and it's cool to get some wisdom from a man like him. at the end of all this and after changing out of the stain-wreaked socks and jeans i finally met up with parker who was driving up from portland to pick me up on the way to seattle.

the downtown skyline was familiar and i found i was stoked to be approaching the night glow of safeco field and the needle and of the memories of last fall. music, places, etc.

parker, his friend cole from portland, and i are here for most of the weekend. there's a tiny diner by jeremy, parker's cousin, and after a long work day i got a most satisfying burger and a few cups of coffee. the waitress looked like clementine from 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' and there were hundreds if not thousands of pictures drawn on the walls by customers. an eclectic greasy spoon.

i think the most exciting part about being back in downtown seattle is that it's now at the forefront of this adventure. last fall it had fallen under the shadow of fernie plans and of winter but it's spring here and the night air is warm and mild and after a day of work and some good food and friends i find that i'm especially content and happy to be alive here.

by the way there's a new one.

Day 346

2009-04-22T22:12:00.002-07:00

my sleep schedule is finally normalized. today was the second day getting up at six thirty a.m. for work. it rained though and we couldn't complete staining the deck near mount rainier so i worked on the massive landscaping project around the house for seven solid hours. it's earth day i guess and i happened to be working the earth. i like the smell.

i had an idea earlier while working in the dirt and i've started formulating it into text. be expecting something kind of cool in the next few whiles as you'll probably be included in it. i might save it for one of the final posts, whenever that is, but i haven't decided. depends on how it comes along.

now i'm tired by ten o'clock and am ready to put my sore body to bed in preparation for another early one tomorrow.

Day 345

2009-04-21T22:59:00.003-07:00

special days have have appeared in different adventures and inspirations and relationships and today was one of the more cool kinds of them that i can remember.

i woke up early and parker's dad ken and i drove to a job site. he's finishing a deck on the back of a multi-million dollar home near tacoma and was able to offer me a day of work. the sun was out and shone like summer. we had some great discussion on the way there and back and filled each hour-plus commute with stories about places and business and talk about spirituality. it's really good to be back in this area with the gohricks. mount rainier loomed large and familiar in the blue horizon and was barely wholly visible in the window of the country club restaurant where we had burgers for lunch. at the end of the day we drove back and i heard jaw dropping stories of the lifestyles of some of the rich people who own these houses ken builds. it's nuts. those people waste enough money for someone like to me to live for the rest of mine.

ken has a youth group at the house on tuesday nights and he asked if i'd share tonight. during the drive home we outlined a few ideas and topics and i picked a verse to tie in with the tales of the adventure and faith and hope and love, community, adventure, provisions, and finding what i had been hoping for when while leaving i'd had that strange feeling that i might not be back to illinois right away. some of the kids remembered me from back in september/october. one girl wanted to know if i was religious and i was given words to answer her question while explaining this pursuit and adventure and discovery of deeper, real life faith and of Jesus. afterwards some of them told me they were stoked by the story of the adventure and spirituality and they were excited too. the biggest idea i wanted to give was encouraging their decisions for pursuing Jesus while still in high school before things get too crazy. the stories of traveling and faith and provisions were cool little additions. i don't know, it just came so clear to me then and i didn't even need the desperate outline i'd scribbled.

this was the first time telling the whole story in a group setting and it was exciting. i'm pretty tired from the labor in the hard sun and wish i could write more of what went down this evening but sometimes moments like that are better left in their place and time.

Day 344

2009-04-20T18:12:00.014-07:00

the trio of johnsons dropped me off at the ferry terminal in downtown victoria this morning. i am leaving the island. after pulling my cash from my canadian bank account i hopped on the ferry headed south for port angeles, washington, with no real way to get to where i needed to be after that. today was also my official leaving of canada and i turned in my work permit documentation upon boarding. i no longer belong here.

i was ready to test faith again today. maybe not test it, but i was ready to put faith in the forefront of my limited perspective and therefore be ready for anything to be revealed. this morning i was getting on a ferry in victoria, bc, bound for the olympic peninsula with no idea how to cover the additional 82 miles to port orchard, washington, where my friend parker's mom could pick me up. the 10 a.m. sun was bright and warm and i had my backpack and a yellow rolling duffle bag. all these things greatly excited me.

'there's no easy way,' said the direction man at the information booth on the ferry. 'there aren't any buses that go straight to where you need to go. if you hop these county transit buses you might be able to make it by seven.' i wrote down the series of departure times and bus numbers on a page of my green, back pocket notebook: port angeles to sequim to port townsend to poulsbo to silverdale to bremerton to port orchard. 'most people just cut across the puget sound on a ferry if they're on the way to seattle,' he said. 'and most people are on there way to seattle from port angeles.'

he gave me a white sheet of paper with washington's major highways crudely copied on one side. i thanked him and returned to my seat and memorized the highway routes and tucked it in my pocket as a backup plan.

i was faced with a familiar situation after disembarking, breezing through customs, and stepping back onto american soil- do i go left, straight, or right? i went right for a bit but stopped. i went back and started going straight from my origin. 'hey, my bank.' i was halfway down the block to deposit my canadian money when i stopped. no- back again. i went back to the curb across from the stream of vehicles now streaming off the ferry through customs and unfolded the white map of paper from my pocket. i'd written 'seattle?' in black marker on the blank backside. cars drove off, mostly elderly vacationers in their nice cars and straw hats. i tucked my long hair under the green coal beanie and continued to hold the sign out and tried to look friendly enough. suddenly a small, four door audi quattro pulled up and i recognized the young couple as passengers from the ferry. 'we live in seattle,' they said. 'get in.'

their names were glen and andrea and work as an artistic glass blower and in an office, respectively. they're probably in their late twenties, i guessed, and glen's blue eyes reflected in the driver's mirror and between his thick black hair and an equally dark beard. andrea was in the passenger seat and had blonde, long hair. of course i wasn't heading to seattle, but i'd written it on my paper because to get to that turnoff point would mean getting through the little trickling highways of the olympic peninsula. we talked about mountains and music and alaska and other places any of us had been during the drive that went by surprisingly fast. sixty-two miles later they dropped me at a bus stop in poulsbro, washington, before their turnoff for the ferry and puget sound and seattle. 'there's a little mexican restaurant a block up if you have to wait,' glen said as he shook my hand. i thanked the two of them and they refused money saying that it was on the way and that they always pick up hitchers. i let them know that i'd been praying for the right hitch hike to happen and that they were a literal answer to prayer and had become a clutch part of the story of the adventure. they thanked me back. i thanked them again. then we parted.

i had a forty minute wait and went to the mexican restaurant where eight dollars bought a satisfying and surprisingly large meal that was even complemented by my two good winter friends rice and beans. hey guys, good to see you again down there. so glad you're not alone this time.

from poulsbro i hopped a series of city transit buses. the first ride cost two dollars and they gave transfer tickets at each stop so i wouldn't have to buy another.

after few buses and one more short ferry ride over to port orchard i was in contact with parker's mom as planned. all in all this disconnected journey only cost about twenty eight dollars including lunch. not bad for having left canada that morning with a little bit of faith, even less money, and no plans. i don't know what else to say but i'm always thankful and amazed.

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Day 343

2009-04-19T21:38:00.002-07:00

i've been back at camp for four days now and initially only knew a couple of the kaleo students. besides eric, there's a guy who was on the cambodia team during the summer of 2007 when i led the australia outback team and both our teams were often together at meals, the challenge course, and then at debrief in malaysia. you guys from aussie air who read this will no doubt remember ben. he's here, too. isn't that nuts?

last night ended between five and six a.m. this morning.

and i don't know how to explain it but even after four days i've experienced some deep sadness as these good people left. i never tried to join the group but things clicked so well with the people here. it was awesome. real. these are good people and i regret not having had the chance to have known them more. i mean it.

and so this morning people are hugging and crying and praying and i'm saying goodbye to people as well and i mean it more than even back in august when camp wrapped up and adventures were fresh and there were feelings that i'd see many of those people again soon. but today it was their eight-month, solid community breaking apart and in a very small way that shouldn't be under or overrated i felt like i'd known them for so much longer.

Day 342

2009-04-18T09:39:00.004-07:00

do you ever wonder why this silly blog has been posted daily for nearly a year?

i do.

and i've been re-asking and rethinking this question again the past few days. it has almost been a year. maybe you've entertained possible explanations such as reckless narcissism. maybe loneliness. i wonder this even because never did i expect the adventure to go this far and last this long. but it has and its been so good. and through it i have an answer for why this silly blog has been posted daily for nearly a year.

one minor explanation can be summed by the words of my most favorite person that i've never met.

"happiness only real when shared" christopher mccandless

but that's only a small part of it.

bits of this feeling were only an early prequel for the rest of this day. when i jotted those first lines after getting inside from camping last night i had no idea that so much more would happen. it was a graduation for twenty-seven, full-time Bible college/adventuresome students here. my friend eric is one of them. i'm just here for the last couple days but you feel the momentum in this place by the way the people speak and be. their knowledge is their life. and they're already living it well.

one of their profs spoke at the ceremony. in his native polish accent he described his discontent with the church and the 'what can your church do for me attitude.' he talked about wal mart and their world wide factories that employ the poor and then increase demand and lower wages so that while we in north america save a quarter on a price rollback the poor workers are left in a catch twenty-two they must continue to fulfill in order to feed their families.

in the books the cult of the amateur, keen carries the same approach of increasing consumerism and the self destruction of economy through the massive growth and disruption of a professional world through its cheapened, online nemesis's. he says too many people will read some blog for news instead of relying on some trained journalist. read the book. i can't explain it well at all. what did stick in my mind strongest were his points regarding the incessant increase of a generation seeking 'self expression.' 'self expression about what?' i wondered as i turned through the pages of the first two chapters of the little orange book. what do twenty-somethings have to be self-expressive about? chuck klosterman summarizes this kind of consumer-oriented black hole as people who trying harder to be cool than they are at anything else. and these people often slack on pursuing something of meaning. vision. the internet and consumeristic philosophy allows us to write countless, unchecked wikipedia entries and order nearly anything we desire in a few second's time via amazon.com and the like.

i don't think i've ever gone this serious before and there's good reason. it all hasn't connected until today.

it had started too a while back and i stopped buying from wal mart months ago. same for starbucks, although i don't know what they're up to. i just don't like the prices.

on thursday night eric and i stood in the porch light of the lodge here and talked about the past eight or so months we've had. we didn't have to go too deep. there isn't a rush for that. but he talked about being in india and experiencing the mutual human feeling and their interactions with the poor villagers who are both actively rejecting and seeking a Greater aspect. i could identify with that in a polar parallel kind of way. i've found perspective and even inspiration to be most muddled when i've had more than enough comfort or outer influences. distractions. t.v. a generation seeking cool. they're all around. consumerism.

and the polish professor that talked tonight kept going and after he was finished nobody clapped. nobody moved except for the kaleo leader who was meant to give the next address. even she couldn't, and didn't speak. i think the idea of modern day super church life and consumerism and regulated and selfish spirituality had cut into every heart in the room. in a way i wish the words were literal, like a scratch, so that i could look back down at it and remember its turns and see its depth. but they were just words and people were moved in their souls and i can only imagine what it would have felt like to be a graduate at the point of his charge.

there were some awards for the class. eric got the christian leadership one. everyone, everywhere likes this guy and for such good reason. because of this i know that i'm only one of many who consider him as one of my best friends. i was proud of him.

so do you ever wonder why this silly blog has been posted daily for nearly a year? it's because of today. it's taken three hundred and fourty-two days to get here where all these silly thoughts and self described actions have crumbled because of the uniting of visions and words and feelings and choices during all this. i'm sorry that i can't do a better job to explain. there's so much to be summed up. but i've found a vision that's suddenly grown whole in my mind. it's more than sharing happiness and adventure and it's so much less than trying to find these things in an own-everything lifestyle.

it's because of these adventures and delights and inspirations that i've come to see and hear today the massive effect of the places and people i know and have passed through and can in my heart better understand in a way that is stoking my faith and desire for proper spirituality and life.

so thanks again for reading this. even today some qwanoes staff have come up and told me that they still read this and i'm blown away. i'm thankful. thank you. man, i just did a re-read and i hope this makes sense. by the way we leave camp tomorrow.

click.

Day 341

2009-04-17T20:03:00.002-07:00

a little more of the same. plus more.

eric and i went to go pick up his parents at the victoria airport. we're all here at camp now. kind of weird. and still, surreal and familiar.

there are year round staff to say hey to and chill with. catch up. etc. the kaleo kids went out for their last supper outing deal and the parents are at a parental assembly/open house. after dinner i walked the familiar salty beach with a book and some tea. what a full circle.

i've got my new sleeping bag and solo tent ready and am going camping as soon as i hit the publish post button. wait, here it comes. click.

Day 340

2009-04-16T01:54:00.000-07:00

tyler and i took a morning bike ride and caught a short ferry across the river to meet up with a friend from camp. we chilled with josh outside of the bistro that our friend kirk worked at before heading to england and eventually getting robbed. however he's back on track, i believe, since his dad has visited him there.

tyler and i caught a ferry to the island later in the afternoon and now everything's coming back in a strange and familiar and interesting way. the ferry. the terminal. the arrival. highway. trip. the camp. the dorms. eric from back home.

it was dark and i found eric and met a bunch of the other kaleo peep quickly. surprisingly some of them knew me before i knew them. everyone gathered on the porch for worship and a steady rain fell across the camp. everything was so familiar. it was a weird recognition. eric was playing guitar and singing but the woods here smelled distinctly wet and unique as they first were almost a year ago. this is a strange combination of familiars. i revisited the building with that familiar keyboard. it'd been nearly a month since touching any keys.

eric and i did a little bluegrass jam at the end with a violinist and people were dancing around and we talked a little about the past eight or so months but, once again, everything seemed so strangely familiar. i don't know how to explain it any other way. two familiar worlds connect in a not so familiar way. and it feels normal as if things haven't been different or distant. i don't know.

it's sweet meeting the other kaleo people. seamless, almost.

they're doing their big final group outing tomorrow so i'll wander camp and the island a bit. eric's parents arrive tomorrow night for the graduation so we'll probably hang out. like i said, this is an unexplainable combination of two worlds that, for lack of a better term, feels strangely familiar and in tune with the momentum of all this.

Day 339

2009-04-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

we left the house at eight. stu was taking his son to school and offered to drop me at the bus station on his way to work and i accepted. along the way i learned some crazy things about the construction business and the current state of the industry. we almost went to the top of one of his buildings but the body mover structure was being removed. he also gave some tips on where to go and what to see in town. 'if you ever get lost just remember that the mountains are north,' he advised.

the only plan i had to accomplish in vancouver was buying a new sleeping bag and i went back and forth between a few stores and became a member of the mountain equipment co-op before deciding to buy a sweet north face bag elsewhere.

to be honest, i'm feeling kind of bland about this blog at the moment but i still want to tell you about downtown vancouver on a sunny and warm spring day. the canucks hockey team home playoff game is tonight and the entire town is buzzing. fans are wearing apparel. i hear at least fifty people talk about the game as we sit on sky trains or stand on street corners or in line at a coffee shop. the sky train stops at stadium station and the massive logo banner hangs from the concrete stadium. ironically, a guy came up to me as i waited at the station and asked which direction north was. 'the mountains are north,' i said.

i've been through chinatown, gas town (that apparently famous and exciting steaming clock), the shipping yard, downtown and chapters twice, the mountain equipment co-op store down past broadway and main, the waterfront station, and to random places in between. my legs are tired.

stu recommended i take the train home and that i sit on the left side to get the good view of the water and shipping yard and mountains. i boarded the purple west coast express ready to chill. had a playlist and everything. a couple girls joined the little four seat compartment and began talking so constantly and noisily that i'm sure half the train car could hear them. one guy moved away and i thought of doing the same. sometimes you just want to ask people, even if they are complete strangers, to just be quiet. i almost did but then i moved too.

vancouver is officially discovered and out of my system. i don't care too much about hockey but i'll watch the game tonight with stu back home. when in rome.

Day 338

2009-04-14T21:36:00.005-07:00

the ski hill in fernie closes in a couple days. it's been two weeks since leaving our house there and today as i stood halfway through the continually open sliding porch door tyler and i realized that this amount of time has passed surprisingly quickly. in a couple days we'll head to vancouver island and he'll come back home for just one more week before heading back to work at camp again for another entire summer. that's pretty intense.

i'm really thankful that tyler and his family are willing and used to having people over for little stays. there were a couple of swedes that were here for two months and their pictures are sprinkled around the house and their stories are recounted often. the couple weeks i've spent here have been a good debrief period from the winter and previous movements. this mindset led me to upload and imbed that slideshow for yesterday's post. it's almost been one year. and by the way i promise action here will pick up soon. some cool things seem to be appearing for the future.

right now i want to show you something else. it's something i did the other day with the same momentum mentioned above and i thought you might be interested to see it as well. here, it speaks for itself.

Day 337

2009-04-13T23:35:00.004-07:00

day 1-337 in a photo slideshow under 50 pictures? yes. however a few of them were not taken by me as will soon become obvious.

click here to view same pictures with titles and/or descriptions on flickr

Day 336

2009-04-12T20:39:00.002-07:00

our friend bethany invited tyler and i to be part of her extra special easter sunday. she was getting baptized today in the bay. we agreed and went to her church near downtown that meets in a movie theater. after the service we exited the balcony and joined the progression outside and into the rain where people scattered to their cars to reassemble at the nearby coast. cool wind and steady drizzle made my rain jacket barely substantial and i wasn't even one of the seventeen who were getting dunked. there'd been a video cut together and shown in the service of their testimonies and even at the waterfront it was apparent that bad weather didn't make much of a difference to these people on this day.

the tide on kits beach this morning was at a twenty five year low and dozens of church clothed people tiptoed a few hundred feet across the shells and exposed seaweed to the edge of the water. half submerged in rain and grey waters and skies, each baptistee went out for their turn. massive boats and rigs floated in the not so distant horizon. i looked around and found i was kind of excited. here were a crowd of over a hundred people publicly watching a smaller group of seventeen shout their professions of faith from the cold ocean. what a special combination of days.

bethany's small group was having a party for her and another girl afterward and we'd been invited. little did we know that it was in vancouver's richest neighborhood and at the property of the owner of the vancouver canucks nhl team. the finely decorated farm house was adjacent to stables and some people were riding horses wearing jackets in the rain as we walked up the driveway. ol' francesco aquilini wasn't around or anything but it could have been cool if he was. still, the party was filled with fine cheeses and raw salmon and crackers and an endless omelet bar and everyone ate and dried off and met and conversed.

the combinations of the elements of going to an outdoor baptism on easter combined in a profound union. happy easter.

Day 335

2009-04-11T20:21:00.001-07:00

if i had to pick one day to not post today would be it. i just don't really have anything i want to work with at this moment. i've been learning about golf after watching the masters with tyler's step dad and we're gonna play nine holes in a few days.

Day 334

2009-04-10T22:01:00.004-07:00

plans. although i'm not really that kind of person, i feel that i should at least share some options for the near future. these are all valid possibilities for the time right after visiting vancouver island in just a week's time where i'll see my friend eric from illinois. i choose a list format for presentation.

- go to noah gundersen concert in seattle, washington with friend parker. spend a couple days there and then head down to portland for a little bit with him in order to check out portland state university and look for potential jobs. he's got housing and says he might be able to get me a part-time job very soon.

- go back east through canada with eric and possibly right through fernie with eric and spend a couple days visiting friends there and playing piano in the resort where john cusack and mgm movie crew are staying while they shoot the highly anticipated 'hot tub time machine' movie. the world simply cannot wait for this film to come out.

- go with either of the two above options and then meet up with friends in montana for the sasquatch music festival in late may in eastern washington. i've been excited about this option ever since i first gazed upon the weekend's lineup, although we would only go to saturday. then melody, my montana friend, is driving straight to chicago for a wedding and we would road trip it.

- go with either of the first two options and then head to colorado to meet up with an old friend/mentor kind of guy and also see my cousin graduate the air force academy.

after these options are an extended list of potential things. i'll call it a dot-dot-dot list.

... commit to doing photography for a friend's wedding in canada and for anther doing music in illinois.

... pursue the california job for the latter half of the summer. still a buzz in the works.

... i watched college baseball on t.v. this afternoon. illinois vs michigan state. i decided i would like to play college baseball again at whatever level it may be.

i could be forgetting something but that's it for now. i'm doing this to hopefully relieve the questions in all of our minds.

hey look, we're only thirty-one days away from a whole year.

Day 333

2009-04-09T15:29:00.010-07:00

here's an adventurous day.

after some eggs and bacon with ryan and his fiance [you can read about the day of their summer engagement post here on this ridiculously long link that is giving more and more reason to at least just check it out once since i'd gone through the trouble of hooking up the original story and day in this little post and subsequent link] i said goodbye to them at the sky train station under the grey skies of late morning. the only plan for the day was to meet up again with tyler at chapters so i bought a vancouver public transit day pass (nine bones) and began fulfilling a long desired, yet somehow now urbanized, mission of train jumping. actually there were hundreds of people doing this but they were all wearing black coats or office wear and were running down concrete stairs and holding the closing jaws of the beeping sky train and doing whatever it took to get to work. i just had a backpack and jeans.

i knew where i eventually had to get to and was starting to feel familiar with vancouver. i'd get on a sky train and glide above the city streets while a chorus of what seemed to be demons or some unfortunate thing would whir and scream through the floorboards as we moved towards the horizon across these cries of wheels and electricity and steel.

there's a mountain equipment co-op store in canada much alike to r.e.i. in the states. both offer very reasonably priced outdoor gear and in this way it is kind of like an ikea for hippy chicks and men with beards who live in this pacific northwest. i wandered the store and considered buying a new this-or-that or tiny camping oven or rock climbing harness but then left the store with nothing at all. i wouldn't have seriously bought anything, by the way.

there's a bookstore that caught my eye near the corner of broadway and main. they advertised used books and offered twenty percent off the canadian price of new titles. i spent over an hour there wandering the shelves and reviewing my back pocket notebook for titles that could be found here. at one point i had about six books in my hand and i was trying to convince myself that i could a) afford them and b) transport these indefinitely if i really wanted. i could do neither, however, and ended up putting them all back.

tyler and i met up on the street, incredibly enough, and joined the lunch rush at the cheap pizza shop. he'd accomplished his mission for the day and was tired of walking and of the city. i'd bought a day pass for transportation and was kind of eager to wander so i wrote down his home phone in my notebook and he said to call him when i got to the last bus stop nearest his house. cool, will do. cya later.

we split up and i started wandering again. i hopped off at one station that was near part of the bay and went to the large white railing and made sure i wasn't in the background of any of the multiple asian tourists taking pictures together.

breathe. the ocean. again. at last. i've been wanting this for months

i started the trek back to maple ridge where his house is. train. bus. bus. horrible traffic. then disaster. the phone number must have been off one digit cause i kept calling someone who wasn't him. nothing in the phone book. i looked at a map at a husky gas station and found the landmark i was looking for. it was the school that i'd taken tyler's little brother to play baseball at a few days back. i knew i could get back from there.

it was a couple miles walk and i was able to confirm past hitch hiking research that lexus and bmw and the upscale cars in this upscale neighborhood disallow a hitch hiker. obviously. eventually an old four door jetta downshifted and a construction worker or something like that came to the rescue. said he hitched south america when he was younger and that everyone there was cool like that. i hopped out at my turn off and walked another forty five minutes to the house.

i really enjoyed the experience though. the air was warm and daylight was falling behind the rows of similar looking houses with cement driveways and finely maintained lawns. a gradient of yellow to blue backdropped horizontal streaks of pink clouds in the sky. tyler and i were comparing stories just before darkness fell. they'd had dinner, of course, but had also very kindly left me a t-bone steak which turned out to be as big as my entire left hand. wow. and i have big hands.

Day 332

2009-04-08T21:59:00.004-07:00

remember the video guys from the summer? there were three of us. nick, ryan, and me.

i began a bit of a solo mission this afternoon. tyler told me what buses to hop and i met up with ryan near vancouver. he's been living with nick, who wasn't currently around, since the summer ended and works as a freelancer for different churches and organizations including 'power to change,' the group formerly known as 'campus crusade for Christ.'

he picked me up at the bus/sky train station after five o'clock and the eight month gap since finishing our summer's work seemed quite insubstantial. it was definitely cool to hang again and reminisce a bit about the summer and to talk about what we've been doing and learning over the winter. more than that, ryan is a pretty eclectic and intellectual dude so conversations are always profound and valid. culture, art, spirituality, music, writing, books, more music, freelancing, and etc.

and he reads this blog, so i'll save him the trouble of looking up the parts about himself by just adding an additional thank you for the visit and chill time haha.

i'm meeting tyler back again tomorrow. he's coming into downtown to run some errands aand we're meant to meet at chapters, a borders book store canadian version, in the morning.

Day 331

2009-04-07T22:18:00.011-07:00

please press play. if you still feel like reading on then do so slowly, giving less thought to these words and adhering more to the melodious flow and prophetic echoing of the fleet foxes as they are the perfect accompaniment to an afternoon of reading and sun and talking with friends.

also, there's a slideshow of pictures down a bit on the right side of the page. if the music and pics get going together it could be good experience. i discovered this just a moment ago.

Day 330

2009-04-06T22:15:00.004-07:00

chilly skies and a surrounding of close mountains remained a reminder of winter just over a week ago in fernie. now, six hundred miles later, the sun is shining strongly on the west coast and shorts and t shirts and sun glasses are the perfect accompaniment for a day exploring a movie set in the forest and a crystal glacier lake. tyler and i met up with a couple of friends from last summer's camp and the four of us drove with the windows down through the thick, moist air of canopied roads in golden ears provincial park. there's some movie being shot there and after leaving the parking lot of trailers and crew trucks we came upon different locations that had been set up with keno flow lights or other scenes and props.

the icy lake water was freezing and we waded and threw rocks at dead log stumps poking out of the blue. we poured a little packet of raspberry flavored drink powder onto the clear surface and drank flavored glacier water straight from the source.

Day 329

2009-04-05T12:16:00.002-07:00

the sun has been out all day and the high is sixty three degrees fahrenheit. the cats are all on the porch under the glass table and the sliding door is open to the kitchen and breathing a lumber scented spring into the brown and classy interior of the house. tyler and i just got back from church where one of last summer's speakers is a pastor.

he and i had done the wrap up video work together and, as i did with all the speakers, we'd gone down one of the challenge course elements just after he'd finished giving his talk into my camera. charlotte mentioned yesterday that one of the other summer speakers that she works for sometimes mentions me in his talks.

all these little life details are growing in coherency in the days nearing one year's time and whose ultimate and sweet adventures are now starting to seemingly come around full circle.

finally, tyler's ten year old brother was hanging out this afternoon and we found a baseball glove. then a ball. then i agreed to take him and his neighbor friend to the schoolyard and the three of us played ball for over an hour. sunday afternoon and sun and baseball. pretty sweet.

Day 328

2009-04-04T22:18:00.002-07:00

we headed for downtown vancouver by noon with two plans: meet charlotte our friend from camp last sumer and get sushi.

one public transit ride connected with another and i remembered a childhood of riding the bus with my grandpa in chicago. the cold of fernie was forgotten here today and a rare spring sun warmed the bus and sidewalks. dozens of bums shuffled along buildings or sat on the sidewalks of intersections where no marginal busking musician had claimed and hundreds of ipod listening, fast paced walking and cell phone talking internationals and canadians alike moved like a river through the gaps and walkways of the face of vancouver. we met charlotte at the waterfront station a little later than expected- two different protest parades had stopped traffic and we'd hopped off the bus to walk the last few blocks.

there's no need to really point out the massive differences of a small mountain ski town and one of canada's biggest cities, but i felt a little uncomfortable among the hundreds of high end shops and gum spotted sidewalks and beer begging bums.

tyler and i had both brought our identical cameras for the day but somehow we never felt the urge to take pictures. instead he went on an errand to a few tattoo parlors and charlotte and i chilled on the third story of the chapters bookstore at a glass railing that overlooked the crawling streets of robson and howe. pedestrians and the synchronization of turning buses were the backdrop for music and design magazines and sparse conversation. it's cool to be able to chill with people and not have to speak much.

we wandered together some time more before parting ways near six p.m. the sky train ride turned interesting when a guy wandered on, sat down, and a few minutes later started spewing all over the place. everyone else moved to the other side of the train and he sat unconscious and alone on the other. a couple bus rides and an hour later brought us out of the jungle.

Day 327

2009-04-03T22:17:00.002-07:00

man, i feel some pressure now that i'm outta fernie and the blog visitor indicator is rising. more people are reading. i already miss you guys back in fernie.

i was chilling around this afternoon and reading when some reminiscent thoughts sprung randomly. the spine of my book lowered and the cubs and yankees broadcast on t.v. faded away. fernie, from its layout to friends, was an unprecedented little existence. now i can understand how removed people didn't understand life in that place. it really doesn't fit with anything normal after leaving that little valley. now i could walk for an hour and not find a coffee shop. i don't even know how to start explaining and comparing all these ideas, but i can feel the entire philosophy of life start to shift back now that places like wal mart are no longer out of sight sores from the entities of that small ski town.

but this current change is exciting. i remember standing outside the greyhound station yesterday and realizing that i'm neither nervous or uncomfortable with this next step and corresponding change of scenery. the big city. the suburbs. rush hours and the evening news. tomorrow tyler, some friends from last summer, and i are hanging and exploring vancouver and there are plans to meet with the rest soon following.

tyler has a ten year old brother and we play games and hang out around the house. his dad and i played scrabble today after a sushi dinner. his mom is cool and they all tell stories about the two swedes they had stay with them for two months just a short while ago. i've yet again been presented with another accepting place with cool people and in a new place and and thankful and blessed.

Day 326

2009-04-02T21:31:00.002-07:00

a greyhound bus and grey rain and stale highway for five hours brought me from kelowna to maple ridge. tyler and i are hanging out until we head to vancouver island for the kaleo graduation.

i don't understand how riding a bus can be so mind draining.

Day 325

2009-04-02T00:49:00.010-07:00

never has so many things happened in just one day of spreading distances. ever. come along for this day. i'm not going to do it justice and i apologize, also personally considering the following more of notes-via-sentences to preserve greater details. but here we go.

there was a light snow outside falling outside the snowboarder's for christ house at 8 a.m. i pulled the single, flannel sheet off the couch and walked two blocks to meet chris at mug shots for a final breakfast. a couple of hours later crystal came around to the sfc house and me, her, and one of her roommates all left town in her two door mazda for kelowna, bc. crystal is flying from kelowna to the caribbean tomorrow. her roommate is on her way to the vancouver area and so am i so we all road tripped together. perfect timing. i snapped a couple last second pictures of the morning mountains and we started moving, passing these more-than-familiar places in town and along the stretch of highway that leads to the ski hill. i've never discovered so much faith in a female driver before and there wasn't a car that crystal did not pass the rest of the way. within minutes the landscapes changed from snowy to warm and dry and then back to snow and then back again to dry. then some green. we made the drive in seven easy hours.

i'd arranged a couchsurf.com stay for tonight but after checking the distance between the house and the bus station on google maps i realized that a three hour walk was way too long of a distance. crystal, who lived in kelowna before moving to fernie, immediately offered a closer alternative with her friends and i gratefully accepted. we drove through an apple orchard and pulled into a driveway as crystal began to tell me about how cool these people were. i was really ready for anything.

crystal was staying with old friends whom i was told were very kind. she calls this place her third favorite spot on earth and gave me a run down of the names of the people in the family and told me that the mother, karen, was in a wheel chair. that's not something you expect to hear, but i've never met a 'friend's mom' with such a knowing and kind and uplifting personality. crystal and karen talked nursing over dinner and i got roped into play piano 'in exchange for dinner.' terms for an extended contract were circulated and added to the banter of this introduction. i really want to recount and later, perhaps not even here, discuss and explain parts of the conversation that came from this christian lady's experience with church related faith healing attempts because the stories she told at dinner were incredibly unique and both heartbreaking and faith building. i don't know how to even start so i won't. not here. not yet.

there were a few bands playing at 'the habitat' tonight and crystal, me, and a few of her local friends went out. the habitat turned out to be a pretty sweet scene in a clean, sharp converted warehouse kind of building where most everyone was some sort of hipster wearing striped shirts or v-neck t shirts and sweaters and wearing diagonal emo hair cuts. i bought the c.d. from the second artist but they were all worthy. but here's the crazies thing about this place.

i looked across the room as i observed the scene and saw a freakishly familiar face. could it be? no, he lives over two hours away in salmon arm. no. well, i'll just walk by- mutter his name in passing and see what happens. it could be him... mel. reimer. camp qwanoes. DUDE!

it was mel reimer, one of our group's good summer pals from camp. we longboarded victoria together. no way, this is crazy man! we both asked each other what we were doing here and neither of us had too good of an answer. i happened to be in town for the night. he might be moving to kelowna. really man, this is crazy weird. we talked about the winter and he asked about the rest of the boys from the house.

by the end of the third act we'd said goodbye and crystal and i were following her best friend's volvo. the two of them are really pumped about their trip tomorrow and the friend was dropping off her car to another friend's for borrowing purposes. we made a sudden pit stop, signaling and stopping on the shoulder where we saw nicole roll her window to answer a homeless woman. next thing we know nicole is opening the passenger door and the woman is shuffling in. crystal said that her friend goes to a church downtown that has a lot of interaction with the homeless. she guessed that she knew this lady.

we sat listening to our c.d. from the night when two massively bright lights busted open behind us and shot off the rear and side view mirrors to fill both our car and the friend's car in front. cops. one, two, three squad cars. we were surrounded. what you kids doing here?

crystal calmly explained we were waiting for her friend. we looked up at the car in front and the two were leaning together in prayer.

don't you know that people only stop here for drug deals?

no, we didn't know that. we're just with her.

the cops then went up to the car in front and after a few minutes the situation was easily and flawlessly resolved. funny how less than normal things like letting a homeless woman warm her hands in your car and praying together seem strange to the cops. actually that makes plenty of sense to understand, but they were really chill and the entire roadside shoulder was vacated by all involved within five minutes.

altogether from today's physical activities was a social experiment. i'd changed my facebook birthday to april first over a week ago and today i was bombarded with happy birthday comments. a few friends (real life friends and not 'facebook friends') knew the joke and laughed about it amidst dozens of other, honest happy birthday wishes. i did this little deed for one reason.

the measuring of authenticity.

for both sides. most people only 'remember' a birthday because of some silly link on a homepage and write their once a year comment on a page of a 'friend' and somehow don't even happen to notice other's public humorous debunking of this silliness. thanks to you friends who made it more fun by laughing along and getting the joke. but seriously, here's the bottom line.

facebook is pretty worthless. this blog is pretty worthless.

but life is not worthless. people continue to show me incredible measures of their faith and purpose whether it involves contentment and fulfillment in a wheel chair or by stopping to help a homeless human being warm their hands while praying with them. one of my australia outback team members from the summer of 2007 tells me tonight about intentionally living in a shack on campus in the middle of honors classes in texas to raise money for habitat for humanity. i'm inspired. and now not just because of good times with friends driving through the mountains and heading into a new part of an already amazing adventure. i'm inspired because i'm meeting people who are choosing to live life seriously and genuinely and that is making all the difference in my life and in so many others.

this is why i write these things in this little box and click publish post every day.

Day 324

2009-03-31T22:00:00.001-07:00

there it goes... the last day in fernie.

as of eleven a.m. we were out out our house- that old, familiar inferior structure. being removed from it is exciting. swede and i moved our remaining food and possessions to the snowboarders for christ house. that's where i sit right now, tonight, and for the remaining night, writing this last post in this town.

ian and i went out for dinner at the fernie pub. buffalo burgers. some of his construction mates, including one of the head guys who incredibly remembered me calling him in october looking for work, sat around telling tales in the corner of the brick and windows. after that a bunch of us went to the theater for discount movie night. it was some canadian flick about some guy breaking away on a motorcycle and the most exciting part was the scene at the very surf shop in tofino that our road trip crew had gone to and rented from way back in may. the exact same place. i have pictures there. that was exciting.

we don't seem too hung up on goodbyes. many people are leaving and i'll see some of these friends again either on this continent or in their own homeland. those i never do meet again will meld into the positive and life changing memories that the past five months in this little ski town have become. the mountains that had grown so familiar loom, never to be touched again, by one less free spirited carver. at least not this season. now, and from any point in town, i can recognize and point out the different cliffs and lifts and bowls on the near horizon that had once been an unknown, indescribable rock face back in the autumn. yes, i'll miss this mountain as well. i've never known one so well before.

the sfc house is right across the street from the train tracks and a familiar, now louder, howl is echoing and rumbling outside the window this very second. there goes the last enchanting army of midnight coal trains. i can see their light through this dark window.

so here it is. my remaining friends have all gone to their places across town and i'm here for a clean break and to try to sum up five months in a brand new place that turned out to feel just as home as anywhere else i've ever known.

community. faith. inspiration. adventure. they're all here. living, breathing people. life. tomorrow i'll meet chris at mug shots for breakfast. then i'll meet another friend and together we'll leave town.

here are the remaining, now achieved, 'i would' statements drafted blindly over a year and a half ago. it's almost too much to believe that they've all come true.

i would...

drink green tea
become everything that people wouldn't let me grow up as
start over

i would play more music
write more songs
ride a bike
walk places
watch the sunset from my front porch
go to coffee shops
delete most if not all of the false 'friends' from facebook
trust
revive
take advantage of the knowledge of those around me
invest more in those around me
build a new life
make new friends
be friends with chill people

i would be happy

love
feel
laugh
smile
be someone i could be proud of 100% of the time

i would feel a great sense of ease

ask people what they want most in life
maybe help them find what that was
help me understand what i need most in life that i wasn't getting in rockford
help people who need help
love people who need love

i would redefine spirituality and the way it had so often manipulated the perspective of my appearances to people rather than the influence it had on life and people itself

i would lower my expectations for the typical life of searching for ultimate stability, comfort, and self-anhilation.

i would have fun

set higher standards
achieve these goals
have adventure
relax
chill
redefine life
have peace
have balance

i would feel free, completely fresh and free, where no one [would at first] know my name.

i would know i was free.

i would be free.

Day 323

2009-03-30T23:05:00.004-07:00

naked. not empty, like it was when we first moved into the house, but eerie and now hollowed of our snowboards and food and gear and everything. we spent this last full day in our house cleaning. everything. and the carpets.

tonight was also the last movie night we would go to. greg, the owner of edge of the world, has had them at his house every monday the entire season.

now tonight i'll sleep on the couch cause the sheets have been cleaned and even the kitchen is spotless and won't be cooked in by us again. our phone and internet is disconnected and i'm sitting outside facing the stop n shop's free internet in an armchair we're giving away to whoever comes by to take it. most of the rest of our free stuff has been poached. the highway is quiet but for the occasional swooping semi and i'm about to go back inside for this last night in our house.

by the way, tomorrow is ichat video tour day. hop online and i'll give you a video tour of wherever i'm at in this town. serious.

edit addition: being outside tonight just came in really handy. i'd literally posted and gotten inside and then was shocked to see a body laying in the street just out front next to where i'd been sitting with the computer minutes ago. motionless. crutches scattered. i went outside. he was barely breathing. no answer. i poked him with a crutch. then again. he finally twitched and heaved. dude are you okay?

i guessed he might be thoroughly drunk but he was obviously also in excruciating pain. he winced and said that he'd had too much to drink and had fallen on his bad foot and had blacked out. i helped him up and held him up by the top back of his sweater and he slowly guided me to his place just down the street. he was making horrible sounds of pain the whole way and i couldn't get over how weird this night had just become. we got into his house and his head dipped between his arms and he grabbed the couch, swaying and begging me to go upstairs and get his roommate chris. imagine hearing your name called by a stranger in your house just outside your bedroom door some monday night. like i said, a weird situation.

a bewildered guy who would be chris opened the door with wide eyes, but once he came downstairs and saw his heaving and cringing roommate he started to freak out. i figured there was nothing left i could do and chris said 'cheers, cheer man' a dozen times over the cries of pain of his friend. man, i hope that the dude is okay.

ANOTHER edit addition: seconds after posting that last addition another drunk man came to our pile of stuff and tried to mount the desk up on his shoulders. he's stumbling around the street holding it above his head. i think he'll make it. this has been the weirdest night of the entire winter.

Day 322

2009-03-29T17:08:00.003-07:00

about five months ago, nearly to the day, i wandered into the foyer of the church across the highway from our hotel with my duffle and rolling bag and backpack. a man greeted me and said i could just tuck all the stuff under the coat rack. i shook his hand back and said thanks.

a lady, marion, stood up that day to announce the opening for a janitor position. tyler and i laughed about the perfect timing from our seats and i got the job later that day.

now, on this last sunday morning in this church community, i felt the weight of the past five months of this place during the couple of minutes at the piano. i had walked into the sanctuary earlier and stu the sound man came up and said they had a c.d. track for offering. wanna play, being your last week and all?

yes. i would really like to. i got a coffee and my hands shook a bit. nervous? stu encouraged me by saying i was too good to be nervous. just pick a song, i told myself, you've got fifteen minutes. i can only imagine is what played when i got up there.

most of my friends were sitting a few rows up but i chose the corner seat in the back right corner next to some other friends. you can see the mountains out from the top window from this seat and from no other. i know this because i arranged and straightened these chairs countless times over the winter. this is the mountain seat.

pastor shawn prayed for tyler, the now former snowboarders-for-christ intern, and me during the service. i'm definitely gonna miss shawn and his friendship and sermons. he preached and lived love. others, like 'bill', saw it and so did i. at the end of the service several of the ladies hugged me. some of the men shook my hand and wished me luck and told me to come back soon. i gave my jar of stored winter pocket change to the lady who was specifically collecting change for a missionary. it was all coming together so well. she hugged me, too.

and after the service there was a members meeting where it was determined by an outstanding popular vote to finally change the name of the church- a process months in the making. goodbye janitor job and friends at fernie fellowship baptist church.

someday i will visit mountainside community church and feel just as at home as i have here these past five months.

Day 321

2009-03-28T19:35:00.001-07:00

here it is. this is the hitch hiker's guide to fernie. i've only got a couple days left to write about this place.

so, as you wait with one arm extended towards oncoming traffic there is no need to make any indication of your destination. if you're at the hitching point just across the bridge then the passing traffic assumes your destination is out of town and for the ski hill. don't get too excited for just any car, either, because your best chance for a ride is heard before seen. rumbling engines and crawling rust directly increases your chance of a friendly youth who's willing to give you a lift. my two favorite rides were in the cab of a semi truck and laying with my board in the bed of a truck. i always dropped my thumb for a cadillac escalade or audi. they always did just pass. they wouldn't even give a frown or upturned palm to indicate that they were already full. sometimes the woman in the passenger seats would stare at the line of snowboarder and skiers bordering the highway as they cruised past in their alberta license plated luxury vehicles. can't depend on them folks for much of anything. our band wrote a song about them.

if you wanna get around town then being without a vehicle still isn't a bad thing. fernie itself isn't even a mile long if you follow the highway from the hitching point away from the ski hill and across the bridge to the church and tim hortons on the other, furthest side of town. our house is in the middle of this distance and, conversely, in the middle of everything in either direction. the stop 'n shop, organic market, ice and curling rink, edge of the world snowboard shop, hostel, power mountain inn, snow valley motel, pub, currie bowl restaurant, bargain shop, car dealership, red tree lodge and restaurant, sporting goods shop, dentist, salon, fly fishing business, subway, yama goya sushi restaurant, and 7-11 gas station were all within a three minute maximum walk from our driveway. our place was the ideal place to live, really. as a group of friends and collective strangers to this place we were truly blessed.

today was my last day as janitor for the church. even the church is an eleven minute walk from our house. there's a new man taking over the janitorial duties and he told me about a workshop he had to go to about oil and coal. many men in this valley work for elk valley coal in some way, shape, or form. jeremy, from our band, works as an engineer. so does jesse. other younger guys, including another band mate ian, work construction for the fernie 901 projects around town.

seasonal work is really objective and most australians, kiwis, brits, swedes, and canadians work for the resorts of the canadian rockies as a liftie, ticket checker, or instructor. rcr. the man. the ski hill. working for the ski hill gives you a staff ski pass and 96% of the people are here to ride mountain powder so they take these minimum wage jobs for free riding. downtown is filled with renovated old buildings that house various ski/snowboard stores, outdoor outfitters, coffee shops, bars, grocery, and general store kind of businesses owned by locals or year-round denizen. the tea house. mug shots. commit snowboard shop. the guide's hut. extra foods. overwaitea foods. iga. and many others.

i'm not sure i ever saw a homeless person in fernie and i always wondered how so many people would afford going to the bars every weekend on their meager salaries. drinks in bars aren't cheap here. then again, most of the ruckus-raisers are foreign seasonals without any long term goals. dozens of these friends have plans to work on yachts in france or road trip the states as their next big adventure.

'bill', the man i mentioned a couple days ago in the tea house, told me that the average population of fernie is around three thousand people. in the winter it breaks down to maybe six hundred australians, four hundred kiwis, a couple hundred brits, and another hundred or so swedes. the rest are canadians. i was the only full blood american that i met in this town the entire season. maybe except greg, the legend who owns edge of the world, who was originally from the carolinas. people always asked why i was here. the blog was sometimes the easiest answer. that or ''living with a group of friends.'' i was always tempted to make up some yarn about being from one of the tiny northern towns that dot the canadian map that hangs in our kitchen.

a bank lady told me once that this 'was a tight-knit community.' a couple of my friends who are locals say that they've gotten used to the winter influx of people and friends and the massive flow of spring goodbyes. many come back winter after winter. now that the end of march is here, people have begun streaming out of town as fast as they had back in december. the 'season' lasts until april eighteenth. we're not far off at all.

Day 320

2009-03-27T21:09:00.003-07:00

adam has left. tyler, him, and i spent a good portion of the day scrubbing this house in preparation for departure and then, after moving some furniture back to a friend's place, he was out the door and gone like the boys before. we're down to three.

nate came around and we combined packs of mr noodles and ate and talked about the winter. he and i have been in fernie the longest out of all the seasonal crew in our group of friends. man, just thinking about the big picture and how we all came to a place where we knew little or none to develop and find some of the best friends of life so far is pretty incredible. we also both reckoned that we're going to miss waking up to a 360 degree view of mountains.

earlier in the afternoon i dropped a bunch of clothes off at the vintage consignment shop. i didn't want much in return and left with an off white 'albertan western wear' long shirt and bandana and pair of bobdylanesque shades. i noticed at mug shots today that my entire card of coffee punches is almost filled and i'm due for my last free brew next time i go in. all these little elements and the turning weather and departing friends are all little agreements for the preparation of leaving, for now, from this sweet little town and community in the mountains.

john cusack is coming to town. that's a secret, maybe, but they're actually shooting a movie on the ski hill in a month. the entire cast and crew has booked the lodge i play piano at for about a month. there's a chance i might come back for a couple weeks to play whilst the mass of rich and famous are staying in this obscure little town. could be a fun time.

Day 319

2009-03-26T23:26:00.003-07:00

i don't know if i ever mentioned the nickname 'mystical creature' before but i've been stuck with this nickname since camp. i think tyler started it because, even though we were roommates, we hardly ever saw each other awake in our room at the same time for at least a few weeks. now this winter has been filled with 'sup mystical' greetings from the rest of the boys when i get home. kind of funny.

i'm packing a little right now. tomorrow is the grand house clean in preparation for move out a few days after that.

at bible study tonight a chick who's just gotten back into town with her husband after going south of the equator for the season had brought me up in the conversations about hope and faith. jesse, the guy who let us stay in his house of guys when we'd first gotten into town, was leading a study on hope and this lady had said she was really impressed that i was still here. she didn't think it could be swung when she first heard my situations back in october. i even remembered losing hope one day in late october.

things happened. hopefully you saw them happen, too, because of this silly blog. the homeless sunday. the janitor job. the free ski pass. birthday grocery cards. friends. the countless other experiences and hookups in the time of greatest need. i mentioned to the group tonight that i'm never going to be able to live life the same again. faith. hope. love.

and jesse mentioned shane claiborne's book the irresistible revolution and how those with greatest need are usually able to see God work in the strongest ways because they aren't relying on their statuses or intently comfortable lifestyles. may i also add here that many must be worrying too hard about losing their consumeristic lifestyle. people might make global situations a bit easier on themselves if they started making the choice to life a simpler life before situations like recessions do create major issues, especially if they can't afford starbucks every morning. or if starbucks can't afford itself every morning, but that's a different matter. cycle.

for everything there is a season. i wished that this season wasn't coming to a close so soon as i pulled the books off my shelf and tossed them across the futon couch. there was a respectable library forming. i'm starting to miss our band also. we had an incredible thing going. but i'm not even trying to sound that i feel too bad, though, because people around the world are starving and going through worse things than moving out of a ski town. it's just that this winter of simple living and ultimate life-breathing makes me want to pay harder attention to the needs of others.

ten months and fifteen hundred miles has changed my life.

Day 318

2009-03-25T00:58:00.000-07:00

productive. my room has been finally cleaned and friend chris and i took care of both our houses' total recycling via his pickup truck and morning motivation. i walked home sometime after noon with a coffee and rice crispy treat from mugshots to get ready for the hot springs trip. ah, yes, it was meant to happen after all.

dave, nate, crystal, and i left town after three in the afternoon. the two hour drive was flawless and quick. maybe it was crystal's driving. it could have been the thawing mountains and logging trucks and momentum through this spring weather as well. the four of us took turns picking one song to play from each of our ipods and we cycled around the car for the entire trip there. a good method.

gas station coffee. the highway. a gravel road and a mountain pass and then the now familiar trio of rocky pools alongside a rushing light aqua river. the overhanging snowbank was melting on the other shore and the deep valley was cold but not near as bad as it'd been the last couple times around here during the dead of winter. the pools were crowded with pilsner drinking hippies and ragamuffin type. after an hour or so we had the middle pool all to ourselves.

later we had burgers at denny's in cranbrook. i'd always imagined shooting some sort of monologued short film in a denny's. i listened over the booth to nearby conversations as the four of us agreed that cranbrook is quite a boring place. no offense to friends that live there. i warmly remembered hitch hiking from cranbrook to fernie in early november.

the night is growing late and i'm not tired. everyone in our house has long gone to bed and i'm just about ready to brew another green tea and read. i'm also often remembering yesterday.

Day 317

2009-03-24T20:25:00.004-07:00

there was a knock on the door this morning and i stumbled out of my room barely conscious as i'm pathetically inclined to do. my friend chris had stopped by to give me this. what a good dude.

there's much prepping to do in this final week but i left the house with the specific intent to wander downtown. i had a feeling that something was going to happen and even went as far to post ''gonna wander around town all day. see who i run into. could be good'' as a twitter feed. i've never done anything like that before and after stopping by the bakery to pick up an apple fritter i wound up at the tea house. again.

the three leather arm chairs in the front in the familiar cove next to the windows and fireplace were all open. my new book was eventually paused by a man who looks like a less eccentric version of canadian nardwuar. narduar does the best musician interviews.

anyways, he asked about the book and then pulled some bullet shell from his jacket pocket and explained about an up-and-coming extreme sport that involves timed target shooting. pierre was his name. soon another, older man walked in and took the other seat. i recognized him as one of the musicians from thursday night jazz and blues at the brickhouse. he remembered me as a fourth man, bearded and wearing carhart workpants, pulled over a chair and joined our conversations about books, canada and america and politics, travel, places, people, music. man, where did this all come from? they joked that they had a club and welcomed me. it seemed for a while that they envied me and they eventually said something like that.

mike the musician went on his way before too long and pierre got a call do to some sort of repair work, so the man who i'll call 'bill' and i were left in the seats. bill is a big man in probably his late thirties and we kept shooting the breeze while watching the streams of people shuffle past the window. i'm not even going to try to remember the exact dialogue because it went on for over an hour, but it started rolling after he'd asked about my janitor work at the church, how i got involved, and was impressed to hear about that first, homeless sunday in town. he knew pastor shawn as casually as he knew most locals- said he sensed something different in that guy, something peaceful in his face- and went on to tell me about his long struggle and recovery from drugs and alcohol and wealth. he was a single parent, too, and i remembered seeing him with his young son in the shop days before.

man, i don't know what to say or how to outline anything we talked about, but in the end he compared his current state of recovery to falling short of the parallel desire for understanding the 'higher power' he'd learned to rely on while recovering physically and mentally from addiction. now he feels the yearning to try to fill in the blanks in his faith- said he comes to this tea house because he knew the owners were from our church and because the place was just different here. a good different.

said he's been getting real curious about it all again, about all this love stuff and genuine people and community. its hard being a single parent with a past. feels alone sometimes. he stared out the window at mnt fernie and admitted that going to church would feel a bit like walking into a new high school for the first time.

we kept going, back and forth and a little deeper each time. during one pause i thanked him for telling me his story. i thanked him for letting me know that money isn't all its cracked up to be and how his addiction had been seriously affecting his life. life. at the end i repeated an invitation to come to church this sunday. it'll be my last in this place- at least for right now, i told him. that way, he'll at least know one person. he said he should and would and wanted to meet some other parents who might be having troubles raising a boy. said he wanted the kid to have the chance to make some good friends and get that good kind of influence too.

pierre came back and i'd been at the tea house for over three hours at this point and i left the two of them to an open table and fresh tin of soaking tea. i remembered the twitter feed and the strong urge to wander today, the strong urge to expect something today, the strong urge to be ready for something today.

man, it's gonna be sad leaving this place. even as i left the tea house i ran into some 'long-lost' seasonal friends who wanted to hang out later. he told me of their plans to road trip down california and then mexico and south america.

i don't know how to end this day. this time. are bigger things meant to happen yet? this life is feeling that way and i'm alright with not having any big plans or talents or paved roads. this is all really perfect to me.

Day 316

2009-03-23T09:32:00.003-07:00

everyone woke up too late or had gone to find marginal riding conditions on the slopes so the hot springs trip didn't happen today. no big deal, i just felt i had the obligation to rectify the result other than yesterday's plans. and that's part of the reason i don't like announcing plans because you end up jerking too many people around, including yourself, if you get too deep in a particular attempt of foresight and then have it change.

i'm breaking format now and find that two line paragraphs are attractive at the moment. this is not poetry.

people dance the street in the breaking sun of spring
and cars wave at another and to familiar pairs of feet

the scene is beautiful in my mind, through a brick frame window,
and they don't know that they are a part of what i know

they are out of their holes for a moment
and crossing easy street in an easy life that don't feel deep

some do swing their children above the sidewalk, grinning to the gusts,
and the tiny feet touch down by the time the street is clear once again, cleared of wanderlusts

my mind makes stories for hers, hims, thems, and each one,
passing without seeing any eyes, recognizing some. knowing others.

a dozen or so familiars would be spotted from this coffee shop,
and some are inside talking to me right now and others are walking with more friends

conversation holds me to my interior chair, but i might run out, past the fireplace window nook,
and catch the others from the breeze. they would join, we have no plans.

we met once before, this very place and nearly same table, randomly,
and don't think i didn't see your over-the-shoulder funnel stare. leaving, lingering, she remembered.

in this way people take up their jackets and say goodbye, not covering their heads anymore
and then shed their light coats and say hello, separating tables and chairs

i get up and say goodbye to people all around, knowingly, and step outside
and in the sidewalk eye i might have been a scene through a brick frame window

banana and sunlight make the front porch the right choice back at my house
and in moments another group of friends crosses the road, saying hello, and joining.

and in this way we are all shooting stars in the breaking sun of spring

Day 315

2009-03-22T23:26:00.002-07:00

white trash party? does that even sound fun?

it is. man, it is.

there were probably just over twelve of us and, although i never counted at or afterwards, the group seemed complete. a tshirts. girls with heavy makeup lines. kraft mac n' cheese with corn dogs were served for this kind of event.

like i said before, it is indeed fun.

we have plans set for tomorrow too- a road trip to some natural hot springs. it's weird to see friends on facebook post their 'spring break trip' pictures. march madness basketball is all the rage, too. none of that is happening here, though. we're just a group of friends and people enjoying life and realizing that there's only about a week before many people start leaving our group.

life is good.

Day 314

2009-03-21T16:39:00.003-07:00

today was my last ski competition. duties as starter included standing with clipboard and radio and communicating with judges down below and announcing and sending respective skiers down for their run. age...name... 3..2..1.. dropping... this volunteer events gig has not only been fun but i think i've learned some skills that might hopefully be usable in the future. but that's kind of boring to say. here's something more interesting.

you'd think that a regular guy who decides to live in a secluded cabin for a wisconsin winter would sit around and play dashboard songs or read jack london. you'd especially expect this if this guy had gone through a painful breakup with both a girlfriend and band. i expected something altogether emo.

but that's not what i found in an album by a guy named justin vernon. he goes by the name 'bon iver', a term customized from the french words for 'good winter' heard in a northern exposure series he'd brought along with some boys choir cd to accompany his cold and wooden solitude.

i like most the fact that he doesn't seem try too hard. people who try too hard make me really uncomfortable, especially musicians who think that they're awesome at playing three chord progressions. this justin guy had some time and instruments and basic recording gear. maturing purpose developed into the creation of a record. typical, right? that's another reason i expected something altogether emo but even that's not really what came of it.

somber. howling. chorusy harmonies. sincere. and all the while the overall vibe nestles somewhere in the balance of circumstance and flow.

check out bon iver here.

Day 313

2009-03-20T21:13:00.003-07:00

the list of people to hang out with increases as time slips more and more from this place.

chris and i had been planning to chill for a while and after opting out of riding this morning i called him up and we had breakfast. he's a sharp guy with a beard and curly hair jutting from underneath a beanie. toque. whatever. after some food we spend a few hours at the church jamming. even pastor shawn joined for a bit and the three of us rolled out some blues.

meanwhile, the afternoon sun faded into a warm and lazy rain. spring rain. its the kind you can smell without trying and the kind of smell that evokes the scent of woods and pines and damp, heated blacktop from anywhere around this small town. later, i went for a walk and stopped by mugshots to see a friend, jerri. they were nearing closing time and she hooked me up with some free coffee. always appreciated. that and the chocolate milk.

the rest of lower main street was without snow. i had no money and nothing really to buy, except maybe a new sleeping bag if i can find one, so i joined the granola mountain-livers and skiers and tourist sidewalkers. our routines seemed similar and i'd duck into a snowboard or outdoor outfitter and leaf through the reduced end-of-season stock, declining any assistance offered from wandering employees, until any notion compelled me to be done. then i was back on the sidewalk, wandering again, until another storefront stepped forth to pull me in. i went to the tiny bookstore for their smell and not their selection because their nook of a floor space is too small and the air is always too warm in there.

i regretted wearing my checkered billabong coat. i could have made it today with just the flannel shirt and jeans. a longboard would have been nice, too, maybe. oh well, one last time. i'll be leaving the faithful jacket behind when i go.

when i go.. when i go... wasn't it just a few moments ago that i got here?

Day 312

2009-03-19T20:10:00.003-07:00

we're almost in the final week. the final countdown.

so we make plans and wake up at about ten for a couple hours of riding. burritos- they'd be a good lunch. we ride until anticipation heavies the quad. burritos- a good reason to call it quits.

starts raining a bit and we drink coffee at the flat with our homemade prizes and watch part of the john lennon documentary. swede comes home to publicly declare/share/thinks lennon and dylan sound crazy when they sing. doesn't care any for culture, music, or books are his second points. and number three: reading is waste of time.

the gym. haven't been in months. nate and i go for a bit, maybe just over an hour. shoulder feels good. strong.

more light rain. greying skies turn dark.

choose flannel and torn jeans. grabba couple books and head solo to organic market for the frail wooden table by peaceful window. black iron fireplace is turned off. paragraphs blend under talk with the counter friends. they begin to close- no rush- and offer a refill. lights, cya later.

more light rain. darkening skies are black. a dozen or so steps and i'm back.

pulls accordion out of bedside case. mothy lance folds wheeze between presses of plastic lance keys. digital keyboard and amp switched on in other corner of room. moving there right now.

Day 311

2009-03-18T23:56:00.002-07:00

pastor shawn had left the table at the tea house after some hanging out and conversation for part of the early afternoon.

i went back to my new new journalism book and was busy highlighting different quotes and sentences when a voice leaned over.

she asked if she could sit down at the table. i said sure. definitely. i barely recognized her as one of the waitresses at the resort. she remembered me as the piano man. more than a half hour later and after solid conversation, we exchanged names and she left to go grocery shopping.

that's why i love fernie so much. strangers sit down and become fast friends at any moment and at any place.

Day 310

2009-03-17T21:15:00.002-07:00

the ideas and thoughts today are not new. their environment has changed greatly and i think this is a good thing but here are some oldies, complete with twisted grammar, etc, circa december 2007.

[modern art and my generation]

i'm sitting in downtown rockford at the octane.

at least i was when i started typing that sentence. i stopped, mostly because some lady butt-headed me on her shuffle to her seat behind mine. that totally crashed my train of thought.

but as i sat in the modernesque setting, i came to some quiet conclusions about my generation. part of this was provoked by modern art on the wall. that is a subject of its own, but i suppose the blur of colors and splotches has taken me somewhere.

i don't know how to exactly prove this because i'm not trying to speak for everyone, but i wonder how we can be so involved and fervently tuned towards the next particular phase of american culture without completely understanding ourselves as humans or where we might be headed because of the next big ideas or genre movement.

i see three influences that drive this. first is an increased disconnect from true personality and people. technology and connectivity allows for people who are standing or walking alone to not actually look alone, or bored, or whatever they otherwise would be when they can flip out a phone or sidekick and text someone else. i wonder if the massively increasing action only stems from the internal desire of acceptance even though they might not have invested in real conversation had the other person been around or presently available in the first place.

second is the affiliation with an image. as people move through life and encounter more and more people, the world hardly stops to see who's behind the person they know at work or school. is there even time for that anymore? rarely, it seems. emo children for example, who have already gone through the first stage mentioned, dress and act in a way that tells the world how they feel without actually being felt. culture can understand that these people are misunderstood and probably lonely- just by looking at them. beautiful, isn't it?

third, i see the ultimate betrayal of self and will. this heavy melding of people has a great deal to do with the lack of personal use of integrity of interaction and also with the attempt to parallel self-images with that of people of daily encounter, but there's more. while the older generations seemed to have had a bit more of a path or tradition, or at least maybe strong standards for a guide, i've seen many high school graduates mistake freedom of age as an excuse to break former patterns of decent behavior. i'm not saying i'm old fashioned, and don't think that i'm not either, but i think most people choose to perform under the influence of life and freedom in the way they do because a of lack of direction. how can most hope to know that what they want is what they indeed really want by the age of eighteen? twenty? formulas for instant millionairity and overnight popularity puts an even stronger blind on perception of reality. this generation doesn't like to be told that our half-effort or overnight attempt doesn't appear to be as awesome to the rest of the world. and why should it? even my logic professor started last semester with an outline of course material in which he gave his evaluation of a student's goals for the class. "goal- to get as high a grade as manageable while putting forth as little effort as possible."

how many people would take riches over wisdom.

heavy questions. i wonder how many people would honestly be able to say that they are fighting for something real that they know they really want and need. image and unaccounted freedom might be entertaining, but is it getting us to where we need to and should be?

we have options. we have convenience. we have time. we have life.

we have dreams. we have reasons. we have plans. we have plans.

we are unified. we are distinguished. we are separate. we are whole.

we are curious. we are searching. we are finding. we are surprised.

in the rush of our fleeting youth and amidst the creation and exinction of relationships and the little parts of ourselves we try to hold together, i want more.

peace.

balance.

i will learn of and seek this during these days that now lead to warm weather.

Day 309

2009-03-16T21:09:00.002-07:00

here's some words i've taken from a friend kirk's recent blog post. i hope he doesn't mind the direct copy/paste. if you remember, we went to his house for our three days off at mid summer and i also visited him after leaving the seattle area in the fall. he's recently been in the u.k. and i share the following to make you aware of something to keep in prayer.

"Okay, first off I want to say that what you are about to read is entirely true and is still quite fresh in my memory and I am still trying to wrap my head around it.

So, on Friday night I had gone to bed and was watching the Hunt for Red October on my Macbook and part way through my door opens up to a large man wearing a balaclava with two more men in tow. They proceeded to ask me questions about where someone named "Kevin" was, they seemed quite certain that this character was in my flat. My flatmate, Grant, and I had moved in only two weeks ago so we had no idea who or what they were talking about. This annoyed the burglars, who were convinced we knew exactly what who they were talking about. They got quite frustrated with my flatmate and I not knowing what was going on so they decided that they could force an answer out of us, so they went to the kitchen to find something dangerous, luckily, since we had only moved in quite recently the most menacing item they could find was a butter knife. Even though it was a relatively safe knife, I knew what they could do with that knife so I was terrified. I decided that my best option was to be as truthful as I could and just keep praying for safety. Thanks to God, I felt a sense of calm throughout the entire encounter. Somehow I knew that I would make it through the night.

Once they seemed to understand that we did not know what was going on, they decided that their best option was to change gears and turn it into a burglary. They proceeded to take whatever they could find of value in our flat. Including my mobile phone, computer, camera, watch and all my banking information. Once they had ransacked the place and taken what they desired they told me to lie face down on my bed and they proceeded to tie me up ankles to wrists with whatever they could find in our flat, once they were convinced we were trapped, they left. Luckily, my left wrist wasn't tied quite as well as they had hoped so after some effort I managed to get out of the knot in time to help my flat mate out of his situation. Right afterwards we called the police who arrived within seconds and they were very helpful and did everything they could for us. They are taking it very seriously and are investing plenty of resources into finding the culprits.

So, this now puts me in a bit of a tricky place. I am without any real link to home or any communication, and I am without anything of value, and I'm unsure of whether or not my travel insurance will cover my losses.

So, if you could be praying for me that would be wonderful. Thank you so much for being my friend and know that I am totally alright, and no harm has been done to me physically."

i'm thankful for kirk and his family's kindness to me and friends. we're praying for your situations, man.

Day 308

2009-03-15T22:46:00.005-07:00

there was an early knock on the door and cold plastic phone was pressed into my blind, open palm. a rolling avalanche of sleep was too heavy to agree to join the pre-church ride crew. massive powder day, i know. it's just too early. my mind was fogged enough. nate wisely reminded me to set my alarm for church before he hung up.

i wondered if the guys would even show up. apparently it's a nearly acceptable trend to choose a powder morning on sunday, but they started filing into the row a few songs into the service. most were still wearing some snow gear and i noticed that a few other adults were also wearing ski pants as part of their sunday best. none of what i've mentioned in this paragraph is even taboo in this place.

swede made broccoli soup afterwards at our house for a crew of six. clumps of snow crowded the other side of the kitchen window and we all declared contentment at about the same time i internally reminisced about a once-normal routine of afternoon sports after this same sunday lunch fullness. our t.v.'s gone now though and no one cares about it, but the same lethargic haze brought me to realize that post-lunch weariness is a near universal experience for sundays. two of the guys left to go riding again while the rest of us sat around and talked about music and far away places.

after chilling in the library later in the afternoon i headed around to nate's house. band mate ian lives there too.

ian is one of my favorite people in this town. first impressions wouldn't bring anyone to guess that this dark haired, drawling australian would be not only a fantastic guitarist but also a deeply perceptive and wise man. his underlying innocence balances an unnaturally well-rounded understanding of life which is constantly displayed through his kindness. he's also the one who learned guitar on the roof of a shack as a carpenter's apprentice back in australia. last night, nate and i had happened to see ian's van parked outside of the curry bowl restaurant and, after spying through a window and past some other surprised diners, we saw ian tucking his chin in his lopsided, humble grin. the sparkle in his eye was charming a girl across the table and we wondered if he'd yet ordered wine with the few french phrases he knows.

we razzed him a bit about it today and he rolled another grin against his shoulder and looked down in a smile, immediately turning the conversation to his regrets that we hadn't gotten his attention 'cause he wudda snuck us some fude out the back door. he would have too and, even better, would have probably somehow even convinced a waiter or busboy to hook us up with some sort of leftover, take-out box.

the falling snow had turned to rain by early evening today and ian put his buzzing electric guitar back against the wall of the living room, offering to give me a lift back to my place on his way to pick up the same girl from last night to go swimming at the aquatic centre. he tried to convince nate and i to come along too, promising it would be no big deal to have some mates join in, but we know that that's never a good idea.

besides, we figure we should stay out of his way right now for things like this. we reckon we're gonna need to ask him for some tips on his methods sooner or later and wouldn't want to make any trouble in the meantime.

Day 307

2009-03-14T20:52:00.004-07:00

the powder 8 competition. fourteen teams of pairs competed on the slopes to try to create their best figure-eight tracks while also being judged on their synchronicity and flow. after setting up the generator and mini sound system on the top of the mountain, my job was to blast music down and across the slopes and introduce teams over the mic. i know that the announcer/emcee gig doesn't sound too much like me but it turned out to be a blast. all you do is hold the microphone a little farther than normal and roll your voice. "our next team has only just met today.. one is from massachusetts and the other from london, england, and even tho their bio sheet doesn't say exactly, i think they also met on eharmony.com. you'll have to double check that with them tho." that kind of gab. the two ladies in matching florescent orange were fun to call for. and the two american guys, both named tom, comprised 'team tnt' and asked that the acdc song be played for their runs.

constant fog and heavy snow made conditions pretty terrible overall but the comp went on and teams were commissioned by the ski patrol starters to make their runs in between the blowings and partings of mist and white. the judges sat below. at the end of the day, in the lodge, i was asked to do the awards ceremony too. there were drawings before the top three teams were brought up to stand on the podium on stage and 'team tnt,' the college buddy ski duo, were declared winners.

Day 306

2009-03-13T16:26:00.003-07:00

what a perfect day. the air was warm and the streets slushy, but riding on the hill was prime. probably one of the best days yet overall.

there was this one spot... a ledge where a bowl of powder rested untouched below. a few of us perched uphill and then darted one at a time to huck ourselves off the lip to practice the best trick we could manage. the snow was knee deep and any fall was softer than jumping onto a mattress. nate landed a backflip once. one girl did a 360. i just got air. good air. good times.

the organic market is still the perfect place to end days like these. one of the girls brought over some garlic chick pea spinach soup for me to try and i realized that so far this month i haven't eaten meat once. the paycheck dinner had been delayed and now paused.

march will be an experimental vegetarian month. nothing permanent though.

Day 305

2009-03-12T21:49:00.002-07:00

one of my favorite authors wrote a pretty solid blog post on writing. makes sense.

i'm still a little bitter that he never wrote me back though.

http://donmilleris.com/

Day 304

2009-03-11T21:30:00.002-07:00

there's a second half to the poem at the top of this page. the latter section is a little different but maybe it just has two parts, i don't know. it's just the way it came out.

"to be free"

inspired by c.j.m.

bring to the shore the power of the ocean to forgive this mind of a selfish life

stand beneath the shadow of a mountain to be made small apart from my spiraling stride

bind these eyes with the eternal darkness that only stars of midnight give

shine through the wild with the deepest silence that man himself barely lets live

show me the beauty thats been twisted up in a lie

let unravel her mystery, breathing warmth from the sky

lift up my vision higher than your blind ever sees

give me the life, to be free, that few longer believe.

today was spent with some friends as we made burritos and chilled at the coffee shop and then in the sun on the mountain-facing front porch of our house. gazing at the blue mountains in the golden afternoon reminded me of that second line. that's why i'm posting the entire thing tonight.

Day 303

2009-03-10T22:14:00.005-07:00

there's a line from a song that i once idealized. this one phrase would roll through my mind and i'd replay the song over and over in order to feel the momentum and then the outburst during the part of ''i think i'll go to boston, where no one knows my name.'' the rest of the augustana song was about leaving california and now looking back it all seems a bit too emo.

but yesterday it struck me that when i left in may, nobody from now on would know my name. i was getting my wish.

and so it makes it somewhat harder to now say goodbye to two friends who have shared this canada experience since nearly day one. besides the month or two in late fall, the kiwis shaun and paul and i have gotten used to canadian life and culture and overall new place. we had musical bonding as well and had formed 'the three shnapadees'' jam group at camp. we have one recording.

they're leaving fernie tomorrow. shaun mentioned a few moments ago how weird it was to not have anticipated plans for reuniting as we'd had when we split up temporarily after camp. fernie had been our plan.

the two of them have worked extremely hard on paperwork and requirements and have made significant financial investment for their united states work visa. they've left their dreaded jobs as ticket checkers for the green-eyed corporation that runs the hill in order to have a final meeting with the embassy in vancouver and then, if all goes well, to trek down to southern california hoping for a summer experience somewhat like they've seen in the movies. some of their plans include perusing the origins of the lords of dogtown and, maybe, even trying to see 'the governator' life and in person.

i didn't know much about the people of new zealand before. we all found it kind of hard to believe that we as strangers could become such good friends during a summer and then winter season but it's happened and in a place where neither of us had anyone who previously knew our names.

and with this, the momentum shifts once again. our household is now only four-strong.

Day 302

2009-03-09T20:30:00.003-07:00

my cousin graduates from the air force academy in may which, in his words, is anticipated as 'the best day of [his] life.' i'm hoping to be there that day in the stadium in colorado as joe biden delivers a speech and black caps are chucked towards the darting roars of a climactic air show.

should be good.

conversations swung around and around. future, family, places, etc. after the inevitable political section of our chat i went over to google to entertain some quite disconnected and merely musing curiosities that stemmed from our online dialogue. turns out that obama, clinton, and martha stewart have antichrist connotations linked to their positions. like i said, it was just for fun and i'm not making any big statements and will now decline further comment on all that.

i never really know how to answer probes for my personal political opinion. i joked and said that because of corporate and international agendas ''we will all be dead in a little while.'' maybe that automatically gives me a mix of the liberal rodeo with republican-fate syndrome. once again though, i'm not making any big statements in that sentence. none.

here is my big statement, however, if you're at all still curious and haven't started googling random things like i did at this point in our conversation earlier. they're not even my words, but the philosophy applies to more than trying to pick the 'lesser of evils' or whatever the political perspective has come down to these days.

"make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. 1 thessalonians 4:11-12.

that, to me, makes more sense than anything else.

Day 301

2009-03-08T20:21:00.003-07:00

"chair talk"

some answers to various questions that have occurred in random conversation with random people on the various days on the mountain.

"no. yea i know this is fernie. i haven't. no, yea, i'm serious. yes. i have really never smoked weed before. yea, i'm serious."

''really? i never would have guessed. like 'granola-style' hot? man, i should look into that. do a lot of these girls do tree planting work here?"

"-hey .... ..... ....... ........" i've gone several lifts for over ten minutes without having to say another word after returning their initial hello. they've got the conversation covered. all of it.

"sorry. whoops. sorry. sorry." i don't remember how the rest of the conversation went, but a few weeks ago the t-bar haul back was super busy and they were forcing everyone to double up. i had to share the handle with a skier. i was on a snowboard. snowboards don't just face forward for you. there are grooves in the snow that tell you where you will go as you slide up the hill. skiers face forward. snowboarders face sideways and clip into the skier facing forward. "sorry. whoops. sorry. sorry."

Day 300

2009-03-07T23:05:00.002-08:00

three hundred. a mighty number. heavy. the third centurion marker of all this. three hundred. a heavy number.

i haven't read another person for this long in my entire life. thanks very much for your patience and loyalty, both as a person and reader. i know what it's like.

i don't feel mighty though. i'm kind of tired and didn't ride today even though it had snowed overnight. the tide is slowly ebbing out. out of this town. out of this place. i can feel it. i'm getting ready to leave.

i think i'll be beginning to begin the long trek home one of these days. probably april.

maybe life really is what you make of it and whatever energy is spent believing in ideas or philosophies will be what makes a difference in attitude and readiness for reality.

or maybe the structure of societies exist so strongly not because too few people tried to break it but because those who did were left to find that abiding within it is a much easier way to live overall. not necessarily fuller, but usually easier.

after three hundred days, i've found a little more of a balance for these two perspectives. extreme surroundings and interesting people are everywhere. they are here. they're unmet somewhere else. they're everywhere.

right now, i envy those who can settle, if truly wholly and honestly, in that one place and have the people they need together with the day-to-day they can eagerly live.

right now, starting today, i'm ready to try to start to join those two worlds within myself.

and that's the closest i've ever come to saying that i'm growing homesick.

Day 299

2009-03-06T19:43:00.005-08:00

i've lost some concentration on this blog the past few days. cabin fever might be edging in more than originally thought. even some shredding of the big snowfall hasn't thrashed the cold mountain restlessness thats been coming around each night.

shaun and paul are watching clips of the governator on youtube in the other room. i think that's part of their preparing for their trek to spend the summer in california. they leave wednesday for their interview at the embassy in vancouver.

tyler and i were chilling around town this afternoon and we both put a bit of perspective on the past ten months. we've technically been roommates or housemates since the very first day we met in may. its almost been a year of constant life with the five of us. tim and jon are as relevant in all this even though they've kind of come in during different parts of the journey.

i'm a little curious about illinois now. will people look older? i mean, it has been almost a year. tomorrow is day three hundred. do people change appearance much in three hundred and whatever days?

i've finished sorting the goods to donate and dump. remember back when the leaves here were orange and longboarding to the grocery store was just becoming a new way of life? thirty-three cent bananas and fifty-nine cent bagels were the official lunch of a vagabond.

looks like we're officially leaving fernie at the very end of march instead of the end of april. tentatively-official.

there are a few stops still yet to be made.

p.s.

slight insomnia seems to be a reoccurring pattern for nights of the last few weeks in any place i've grown comfortable during the past two hundred ninety-nine. its happened before both on vancouver island and in seattle. each following experience, however, has gotten better and better. fuller and fuller.

i've just stepped back inside the house to brew some green tea after spending a few moments against a wall across the street while watching the logging, coal, oil, tow, pickup, and semi trucks rumble past the highway. there's a light snowfall and taxis join the midnight flow as they carry incapacitated souls away from the pub across the street. a front wheel drive station wagon struggles to turn uphill from the side street and has to try three times before gathering enough momentum to jolt onto the clear, dark highway.

yes, there are a few stops yet to be made.

Day 298

2009-03-05T19:45:00.002-08:00

the hostage

tried to try to be tried again.
forged attempts of fleeting sin.
tempo halted.
intentions faulted.
savoring pain of all humans.

nature ensnared in our skin,
the mind inside cannot cringe,
without the flesh,
the blubber mesh,
hostage behind my very grin.

muscles flex to face and form,
shell that shields the weather-storm,
what is really inside.
what is forced to hide.
what keeps us human.